December

The jovial season

The month of crammed malls

The time of year colored red and green

The smell of pine saplings

The sound of sticky tape and wrapping paper

And the month I wish didn’t occur

Losing you was the toughest thing

You were the back bone of my frame

The kinship that runs through my heart

The one thing that packed

In the intercostal space of my ribs

I spent many months searching

 For a reason, searching

For a meaning behind it all

I tore your room apart

Ripped out every page

In every diary of yours

Scanned every book

Looking for highlighted words

Words that could tell me your heart

But I failed

Maybe if I had waited longer that night

Maybe if I had looked deeper into your eyes

Maybe then I would have found what was wrong

In the letter you left behind, you said,

“Even the professionals didn’t pick it up

They didn’t notice

And to be honest I really

Don’t think they cared”

I spent a few hours trying to

Understand every conversation we had and

Every photo we took became a broken memory and

The context in which you said forever

I guess you meant the idea but never the feelings

The feelings then were joy on my part

But for you?

What were you feeling?

Is there something somewhere,

That tells me…

Do I check the scars that are hidden?

Do I decode every “hi” you sent

Do I decode every “I love you”

Do I change my understanding of

I love you

Forever means always

And you can’t love me any longer

Laying in a box with a plate

Engraved with your name

With dying flowers and fading photos

I want to know who broke you

I want to know who caused this

Tell me there is something left

For me to find

Please help me find a meaning

I’m dying to know