Remember when life seemed so simple?
Those were the days when you didn't have to worry about who you were or where you were going. When the people who surrounded you could do no wrong, and it seemed like all the knowledge in the world rested inside of you.
Remember what happened when you found out that wasn't true?
The hurt and anger that burned inside,
the tears that flowed, the fears that grew,
until you were left bare.
That's when the whispers started.
"You'll never do good."
It wasn't even the way people stared at you that made you anxious. It was the thoughts of what they might think of you. You judged yourself before letting others do it for you. You spent so much time killing yourself with your own words that you're not even strong enough to protect yourself from you. Anxiety and Depression don't seem like a foreign thing now than it did before right? Only when you hide from everything, do you feel safe from the fear of embarrassing yourself. But then you feel alone and trapped.
Fear keeps you alive.
That is a fundamental law of nature, but what if your fears keep you from living? What if every day you wake up exhausted and scared of what may happen, what could go wrong and what if this is it? It takes over your life, engulfs your soul, makes your brain numb, your legs weak, and the only words are the ones your too scared to speak. You'll see doctors and people who will prod, poke and ponder if your life is worthwhile, who say that the money you give them will be enough to mend your mind. But we don't have what they want; we don't use their time like the would want to. They tell you that your fine, and it's all in your head, but it's not fine, the thoughts you carry into bed.
The anger that I feel will only grow,
the temperatures rising,
the sadness inside me.
"I will never be enough,"
"I will never know love,"
"The only way I will be able to feel is by taking a capsule. I will never be able to think for myself because I'm not normal."
These things scare me, that's why I live in fear.
I bury myself in work so I can ignore my thought; thoughts that scare me more than the world does. I just want it to stop, but it's just flowing.
But it's alright; I'll smile and pretend I'm okay.
But just know, I'm not fine. We are not fine.