Dear Ana & Maria

Thu, 11/16/2017 - 14:20 -- mya_s7

It's like all I do are four things anymore. They all just overlap and consume my life in a dizzying blur of school, work, homework, and sleep. I'm lucky if I don't default to sleep after work and my grades show it. Sure, it's my junior year and sure, I want to be a neuropsychologist, and sure, I want to go to OSU which is hard enough to get into, but yeah, I'll just crawl into bed without even opening my backpack.
I went to Target the other day with Mom and it felt like how someone would feel if they went on vacation to the Bahamas after being on house arrest for thirty years. I used to go on errands all the time with her but she's been refusing to take me anywhere anymore. She says I'm too argumentative with her and she doesn't like being around me because of how much I argue. I haven't even been around her long enough before flying off to work to get into a blow up with her. She'll even refuse to take me to work or wake me up in the morning which is ridiculous because until I get a license, that's on her to drive me so I can make money because I know she doesn't feel like dishing out thousands upon thousands of dollars to send me on to get a doctorate. She's so infuriating and things escalate quickly.
I stopped eating because of all the rude, judgmental remarks she'd make about my weight and appetite. I lost fifty pounds in a few months and then she acted like I was doing it for attention. In fact, I don't think she even believed me.
When I was in fourth grade, I read an American Girl book that had a page about anorexia and the effects and I decided I wanted to try it out and listen to ana (anorexia). I wrote a little checklist that said no breakfast, no lunch, no snack and a small dinner only every day. My parents found it a few weeks after I gave up on the idea and took it really seriously. I remembered Dad showed me anorexics on the computer and Mary Kate & Ashley popped up with the eating disorder and he commented on how sad it was that they were anorexic. Instead of realizing the enormity of the situation, I thought since I loved Mark Kate and Ashley, that I definitely had to keep up working for ana. So I did but I eventually puttered out after only a few days.
I threw up my lunch at work the other day. I felt awful after the massive lunch I ate and my stomach felt so bloated and thick and I kept having throw up burps and I couldn't stand it. So I went to the bathroom, gagged myself with my fingers and it worked. Didn't feel good and was super nauseated after, but I kept on. A little bit before we closed I had to throw up for real and I did, rushing to the bathroom. The next day I legitimately ate nothing at all except two grapes.
I know I shouldn't do these things, but I need to lose weight. I've gained ten -- ten! -- back of the fifty pounds I lost and it's frightening. Plus, it really isn't as big of a deal as all the horror stories they tell you about about ana and mia.
It sounds dumb, but ana and mia are the only way I can feel a sense of control over my life.
My life is dictated by Mom, Dad, my job and my grades. I feel like nothing is my choice anymore and I'm just a horse being led around with a bridle and halter, tugged and pulled every which way everyone wants me to be. I don't make my own decisions and Mom literally doesn't ever let me do anything. Not even go to church! Or help with Spanish Club. Or got to the National Art Honor Society meetings. Or go to a friend's house. I haven't been anywhere but school, work and my house in weeks! That one trip to Target was brief and even then I was told what to buy and not buy. I was allowed to order food at Piada at least but Mom got mad because the line was so long and sad I shouldn't have stood in it and should have gone somewhere else.
Everything's beyond my control despite all those cheesy, irrelevant quotes like "You're control of your destiny!" and "you decide your life!"because I don't control anything but ana and mia.
Or is it the other way? Do ana and maria control me???


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