i have been afraid of losing you since the day i did.

for years, you played with life and death like puppets

direct extensions of yourself,

moving at the wanton actions of your fingertips.

 

the day mom sat me down

and told me you were gone

was a nuclear blast-

the nuclear power you always played with

as a chemical engineer,

 

like puppets.

 

puppets

and nuclear warfare

do not equate.

you never understood

that playing with your life

was war for me,

that my fear of losing you was a fear of being decimated,

and your fears were simply the snap of a string.

 

and now,

i have aftermath.

i hope you know how terrifying it is

to go to the college you loved,

to read through your old birthday cards,

and to listen to the only voicemail i have.

 

i hope

i can climb through the rubble

and conquer the mountains you never could.