Within the past four years I’ve been to three different schools, each one hoping and spending worthless time on trying to be accepted by anyone and everyone. Why? “Why do I waste my time trying to impress others?” As some cliché teenage blog posts may say. But the irony those hypocritical re-bloggers use every day and night, posting such a bold statement for nothing more but to get seen by others, and to feel that bit of joy inside when they get a notification pop up that says their post has been liked by another human being. Attention. Attention and acceptance are like a natural human heroine that everyone craves. The only form of rehab is realization.
Realization of the fact that your opinion will always be opposite of someone else’s argument. Realization that your music will be obnoxious, or disgusting, or unpleasant sounding in someone else’s ears. Realization that your passion and inspiration is a joke to the person sitting next to you. Realization that your effort and intelligence that you put into that amazing idea has no effect on the person half listening, or your ten page life story that did nothing but replay memories and rip out painful tears from your precious eyes, has no connection to the one who reads five of your ten pages and pretends it emotionally impacted them just to slap a giant, red B+ on it.
When you have reached that point where you finally realize that you are your only true ally, and the rest of the world’s population is your enemy, then congratulations my friend you have succeeded and completed your rehab. Now you’re alone. You and your own mind. Are you satisfied?
Eventually I got used to being lonely. It’s fascinating watching others build their own steps at completing their process of realization. Call me a wallflower I guess. You know, I could engage in group discussions in class, I mean it couldn’t do anything but benefit my grade, but I am selfish, therefor I choose not to. I’m a thinker, not a speaker; I like to keep my thoughts to myself. I don’t see the deservance of the judgmental student body to hear my feelings and thoughts. So I sit there quiet, and let them think I’m nothing.
There are only 3 types of people in this world. The people that you learn the hard way not to trust, the jealous people who will use all their might to make you miserable if they feel threatened in any way, and then there’s people like me. The ones who have to deal with both and get emotionally beat down by them just to build up strength to be greater in the end.
It doesn’t bother me really. I actually feel bad for the ones who have such terrible lives that they have to attempt to destroy mine just to feel like they have greater significance or importance in theirs, and the ones who feel so bad about themselves that they have to make me depressed and miserable to bring them happiness.
You know, I may be pushes aside as an outcast to make an interesting conversation starter, or to provide entertainment for others, of higher self-esteem for those who look at me and think "damn well at least I’m not her”. But whatever it is I’m okay with it. Because I know god is just beating me up to make me stronger and more successful in the end.
Whatever I proceed to do in life; I know I will have a better outcome than anyone who feels the need to judge me based on antisocialism. Because although you may think you’re making me weaker with each haunting memory that replays in my mind, with the present times that I sometimes wish I could just end, and with the future that I’m scared for myself to have to encounter, your making me a million times tougher and more durable. So thank you.
Sincerely, Antisocial, scary music girl.
Aka: Interesting, outgoing, singing, dancing, laughing Veronica. Ctrl-Alt-Delete.