I always thought living in the west meant I lived in a bubble. That my world was one free from ongoing civil conflict, Free from brother and sister fights were parents forgot to step in.

That is,

Until I learned to read.

Then I learned my bubble had holes. That there were unforeseen conflicts

Where media insecurities festered in mental wounds caused by everyday bullying and 30 second ads dictating what we should be.

Mind mines blowing off bits and pieces of the human psyche,

And it only takes one person.

One person whose mind has been clouded.

Clouded  by vicious amounts of pollution to change everything.

To shake the little bit of confidence I so foolishly believed I had.

I grew up believing that the U.S

And the countries our beliefs were based off were correct.

Out of the 196 world students we were the ones doing it correctly.

As if any of the almost 200 countries do government correctly.

My country struts around,

Shouting through their microphone:

We no longer have racism because we are color blind.

It is the same statement I was told to do when I was just old enough to go to school.

Do not acknowledge differences in other human beings.

To dispose of cultural identities

Because we forget everyone isn’t whit and can see positive role models

Everywhere.

But I’ve never grasped this idea.

Because although it may seem like I would never have to deal with any negative aspects of racism,

I’ve seen what it’s done to my family.

While violent city brawls ensued

With one side hoarding all the rights and protections

My grandparents met at a department store

And they began something that the moral majority of their time considered

Horribly queer.

They mixed two sides of the conflict.

My grandmother

White

And

My grandfather black

And

They created a misfit family caught in the crossfires of hate.

I never want to be color blind

Because

I never want to forget

I never want to forget what my grandfather went through

I never want to forget the fact that

His fellow employees had souls of emerald envy

And minds clouded and struck by a thunderstorm of ignorance and hate.

Framing him as a criminal

Because

They didn’t want someone like Him

To be the superior.

I never want to be color blind.

I never want to be color blind.

Because

I never what to forget the pain of my grandmother

Who

While waiting for the bus

Was pushed into the street with my family

By bystanders who wanted to see her kiss the front of the bus

To pay for her taboo.

I never want to be color blind.

I never want to be color blind.

Because

I never want to forget my mother

Who can’t look at the mirror

Without feeling like a pariah.

Who refuses to acknowledge her father.

And

Who resents her mother.

Because they were the ones who made her an outcast

Not wanted

By any community.

I never want to be color blind.

I never want to be color blind.

Because

I never want to forget my uncle.

Who

With one afternoon date with a hand gun

Changed

My

World

All of the racist taunts

All of the times he and his girlfriend were refused service

Because

He

Like his parents

Mixed two sides of the fight

But the insults and taunts caused his steel frame mind to snap

And with one pull of the trigger

He taught me

Do not fear what others can do to you

Fear what you can do to yourself.

And that’s something you can’t shake

It’s not like dealing with other people.

You can’t run from yourself.

The thought of what you can do to yourself is a burn mark on your brain

The initial pain may go away

But the scars and the phantom pain stay with you

Forever

I never want to be colorblind.

I never want to be colorblind.

Because

Ignorance isn’t bliss

It’s Ignorance