My Cousins

Swinging together on a park swing

Holding Hands Happily

    They swing higher and higher

  They jump and land on stiff feet

   The thump of them landing jolts me awake in class

I stare at the chalkboard, it reads:“They’re here again”

      My cousins love me but I hate them

  They’re names are Depression and Anxiety

                              The bell rings, I get up from my seat

My cousins hang from my bag as i’m walking to class

                   Depression whispers to me

“Look at all these people, they’re judging you”

Tears begin to fill my eyes

                     Anxiety whispers to me

                       “I heard what depression said, don’t cry, they’ll only laugh at you”

I keep my head down and continue to walk

I look up to see I have to turn a corner in a busy hallway

                                            Anxiety climbs up onto my shoulder and says

“Don’t run into anyone they’ll look at you and remember you”

                                               I go through the rest of my school day in agony

“Who’s next to me?” Should I just sit here numb?”

The school day ends and I walk out to my father’s car

        I get into my dad’s car, breathing tobacco smoke in  

                          A yelling match has begun

                    I say “Dad, stop smoking, it’ll kill you”

                               He responds, “let it”

I think to myself

If I cry, he’ll hear me, and he’ll consider me weak, and so will everyone else

          Depression whispers me in the ear “Not even your dad cares”

               We cross over a train track and I think the unspeakable

                                 But i’ll leave that for you to figure out

              I sit at the edge of my bed crying silently  

                          My throat is shaky, and i’m unable to make a sound

                                I hang my backpack on the door knob

                                                    I lay in bed

                            7 pm my bedroom door opens and it’s my mother

                      She asks for dirty laundry and dishes, and I give her them

           My mind travels to school

    Mental exhaustion is all I feel

                                           I can’t bring myself to pick up my back-pack

                               Depression has tied my arms

    My nightly panic attack begins

      if this isn’t what dying feels like then what is

    It’s 11 pm and i’m still in bed staring at the ceiling

Anxiety and Depression climb down from my back-pack

      They crawl into my bed and lie next to my ears

  Awful things are what they’re telling me

A single tear peaks its way out of my eye

That single tear hits my dry cold lips and dissolves

That single tear was a day’s worth of agony

                                    I close my eyes

              My tear replenishes my dry lips and I begin to speak

I leave my room to tell my mother everything

                          She cries with me

                   My day’s worth of agony created a family story

                     A story about the cousins I loathe

They climb back on my shoulders, giggle, and say:

“darling, you can’t choose your family”