To see me is to see nothing
but everything.
To hear me is to hear all
but silence.
I am here
but I am not.

I fill my life with happy people, for happiness is the one thing that escapes me. I fill my life with sad people, for sadness is often misunderstood. I fill my life with angry people, for anger is really another feeling being cast aside.

I see the world as I see the world, full of people so different and yet so the same. I see the world as full of emotion that overpowers rationality and goodness. I see the world as a good place that is massively forgotten and overpopulated by lust.

I long to be many things I am not. I long to have many things that are out of reach. I long to see many things I'll never see. I long to know many things I might not learn. I long… long… long…

The world sees me as a lonely drifter. The world sees me as a ray of sunshine. The world sees me as a sad child. The world sees me as a bubbly clown. What does the world see? The world sees a beautiful face, a sexy body. The world sees clear skin and a loud voice. The world sees long blonde hair and stunningly blue eyes. But what does the world see?

I am. Everything. Nothing.

I am happy that the world exists, I seek to bring its downfall. I am sad that love exists, I seek to make it mine. I am fearful that people exist, I seek to be in touch.

I am whole in the view of you, I am shattered in my thoughts. I am vocal about what happened today, I am secretive of all that is my own. I am pure in the heart of me, I am full of unclean ideas. I am full of spirit and love, I am empty and numb of feeling. I am extreme in all my actions, I cut clear across the middle.

An optimist, I think not. A pessimistic, not so much. A dreamer, I think not. A thinker, not so much. A believer, I think not. A perceiver, not so much. Happy, I think not. Sad, not so much. Angry, I think not. Content, not so much.

I'm fine.
I'm ok.
I'm fine.
I'm ok.

I am who I am, I'll be no one else. I have an awful temper but I'm not mad. I mastered the art of crying but I'm not sad. I laugh harder than anyone you'll meet but I'm not happy. I'll fill your head with sweet nothings but I'm not in love.

Love.

Huh.

To feel again, to understand, what I would like to say. To know what I am saying, to say it is ok. I'd like to know what I truly think of me. "I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter". I look in the mirror and what do I see? A shadow cast of the once glorious Chelsea Clevers. The girl on top of her game.
I feel so UNChelsea.
I feel like there is someone else I have become.
Who could this be? I haven't a clue, what should I say, what should I do?

Edward holds me in my sleep, blankets wrapped tight around my hips, I dig my face into my pillow. My shoulder aches and I roll over. The ceiling laughs at me, the walls all stare. The darkness grabs me and the cold dead air…

Love. Lost. Empty. Fearful. Anxiety. Happy?
Alone?
Here, There, Him.
Him and me, me and him.

WHO??

Broken hearts and broken nails, empty streets, empty trails, roller coasters overjoyed, the ride is over, can I just stay on? Do I have to get up and leave only to come right back?

Up and down, up and down, up and down.

He is my love, he is my toy, I play with him all day. He's my favorite everything but he isn't really mine. Nothing is really mine. "Nothing I have is truly mine". Nothing I feel, nothing I own, nothing I wear, nothing I touch. Nothing is mine.

Lost without a home.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Pathetic.

I disgust myself. The voices agree.