Like the loose little coins that jingle around in my pocket.
Thoughts tumble around inside my head.
I am not the person I was a year ago.
I am not the person I was even a month ago.
I have changed.
And I’m terrified.
The new medication runs through my veins.
Already, I feel it's effects.
I am reminded daily that it changing me.
It's new and it's different and even though I wanted this,
It's uncharted territory.
There’s very little information out there for me.
Who do i ask? A doctor? They’re often more uneducated than I.
I turn to the internet and obsess over videos of people describing their transformation.
But everyone is different.
I do not know how my body will change.
My heart is healing.
The scars almost healed over.
I no longer cry for hours on end thinking of them.
Their scent has long been washed from my hoodie.
Instead of being overcome with memories at the mere sight of it,
I barely take notice as I sift through my closet.
I do not search their name on twitter anymore.
Even in the moments I remember them, I hope they have moved on like I have.
But the scars have left me scared to try again.
A challenge tacked up on my wall.
A check mark next to each of the 30 days.
Surrounding it are photos and lists and inspirational quotes.
All of this evidence to an emotional journey I went through to better myself.
My goals are written out in 18 point serif font.
I know that I am on my way to completing them.
I made a list of the ways I have changed since I started the challenge.
And I have to remind myself that this is a positive change.
But still, it makes me anxious.
Maybe one day I won’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore.