(poems go here)Blue and White Sanity

 

When I first thought maybe 

my symptoms were more than just

being 17

I feared one thing more than madness.

Weakness,

not being able to take care of it

keep control of it

alone.

 

So I agreed when my friend said,

“Don’t let them put you on happy pills.”

What happiness could come from a pill?

Not worth losing my soul

giving up control 

to artificiality.

 

1 year- a few episodes of lasting despair

no causes

2 years, and more.

triggered by nothing, and everything.

I could handle that-

but then,

one fell swoop,

second semester,

30 breakdowns

hours of rocking, sobbing

wanting everything to just end:

the tears, the stress, my breath.

30 in four weeks.

 

In a doctor’s office,

a man looked at yellow paper

notes detailing my mental status

and typed into his computer

salvation,

prescription.

 

Because anything was better than this

even giving up to some false joy

so long as it kept heart and humors 

in check.

Pills,

risperidone, sertraline:

blue and white sanity.

 

 

And I was tied to them

but free from the

Acute Stress Reactions

and Bipolarity

that had ruled my heartstrings,

had gripped my mind.

I was flying,

and not falling

Flying but not so fast or high

that I burned, blinded.

 

Blue and white sanity

did not take my soul

did not take control

but rather

handed the reins to me.