I’ve died a thousand times

But I’ve never found the right way

To leave this life behind

 

My inability to live

To clutch a life thrusted into my hands

To accept my privilege 

Is my fault

People would die to live in my shoes

 

That's what my mother says

 

But she seems to forget

That though I was fed with a silver spoon

She neglected to inform me

It was all poisoned

 

But my mother cannot be blamed

She was given no manual to this life

A baby was thrusted into her world 

And she was instructed to 

Raise

 

And she did as best she could

But her rage often got the best of her

And when she lost energy in her hands

She began to use her words

Words are just words

But hers were glass

 

Digging into my skin and

Ridiculing me when I began to

Bleed

 

My mother who stood on my legs 

And demanded me to 

Stand

 

My mother who listened and laughed

My mother who carries more struggle than I have ever thought possible

My mother who never cried

My mother who did her best to love and raise

My mother who will live in my heart

No matter the pain she causes

 

My heart is polluted 

Is what the doctors say

But they don’t know that pollution comes from 

my people

 

My father

With his tired stare and distant gaze

He lived with me all those years

But never once was he there

 

My father who never learned the right way to love

If there was a way

My darling soft eyed father who was hurt so many times

He could find no way other way to express so

He began to hurt

 

My father who filled my arms with

Candies and Barbie dolls

To apologize for the bruises

To apologize for his existence

 

My father is the reason

I can never pull the word

“Sorry”

From my lips

 

But my father is the reason I stand tall

And he is why I’m proud

He gave me the tools to survive

I love my father

But he makes it hard

 

But though they made it hard

Though they killed me with their words

And strangled me with their disdain for one another

 

My skin is thicker

And so I suppose I must be grateful

That they have filled my with the idea

That resentment will ruin

 

I do not know how to live

And I do not know how to die

They have surrounded me with hate

And begged me to love