Because I loved you I spent three years agonizing over your abuse,

split between the twisted image of what this relationship was and what it should have been.

Because I loved you I hid behind rose colored glasses, 

ignored my friends, family and even my therapist.

Because I loved you I pushed myself from everyone who cared for me,

scared that directing any attention away from you would result in a devestating fight.

Because I loved you I sank deeper into my depression,

welcomed its' darkness as a kind of common ground between you and I. 

Because I loved you I lost out on years of my adolescence,

I strayed from sleepovers because it meant I couldn't talk to you on the phone.

Because I loved you I spent most nights crying alone in the darkness of my room,

devestated by the threat that you'd end your own life if I tried to leave.

 

But because I loved myself I told my therapist about the threats you made,

I told my parents about the nights I has spent in my room crying hoplessly. 

Because I loved myself I blocked you from my life,

I changed my number and doing things that made me happy; not you.

Because I loved myself I am continuing to push myself every day towards independance,

staying employed, studying hard, and continually mastering the art of self care.

 

Some days I still think of you, what we used to be, what we could have been if things were different.

I know recovery may well be something I battle years from now, reaching highs and plummeting to all-time-lows as if I had never gotten off the rollercoaster in the first place. 

But I know that one day I will have the strength to get off the ride and not look back,

Because I love myself.