I want more

I want to go far 

Even the tastiest of foods don't satisfy the way I imagine them to

I crave something that I can't seem to find here

I go here and there and everywhere and still

nothing seems to get me fully full

The love of man is not enough for me either

a guy to love and cherish me

oh how the gambling of my heart has me going madly

insecure

jealous

judgemental

ambitious.

Rejections the fear

but satisfied

yes ever so slightly 

and temporarily

 

I tried it out, invested into some-one I had dream for

For, for two years

I was riped open and exposed by the end of it 

and yet so hidden

 

In college how the picture changes 

as I said before I found Jesus knocking at my front door 

it was turn around I made to follow my Christian faith

with humility and purity I try to say

but the evil inside me cannot be contained

Other keeps messing with my brain

Other is trying covering the guilt and shame of me taking the reins

So the game is played

how I long for embrace but not from the right face

until I come empty with nothing to place before the throne

but a plea

no dignity I need to keep

except in Christ who strengthens me

 

I struggle and struggle to meet such reality

I'd journal and reflect read what God has said to the Pharisees

"I came not to call the righteous, but sinners"

but still I get bent on the fact that I just don't get

what He meant when He said

"You are my beloved, with you I am well pleased"

I did nothing pleasing to thee except turn away from selfish tendencies

But I am blown away from

consequences of my unseen horrible ways left unclean

 

Then I get tired and fixated on different things that try to 

keep me from seeing the devastating courses of the traces I've made

 

Chaos

All in my brain

 

But then I open my laptop to see what Windows 10 has displayed

A beautiful picture of mountain ranges, beaches, a whole world of plains

What remarkable terrain

Oh how it has me longing for Heaven for its unexplainable embrace and escape