Attractive

When I was no more than 11 years old I learned of my difference from that word. I was cast away and ripped apart by not only strangers, but my own blood. They say things like tubby, chubbo, fatty, lard butt, and the one I heard all to much from my own father, dumb ass. I was called worthless, I was called fat ass, I was called a piece of shit again and again and again, but the words do not define me anymore. It took me 4 years to realize that it wasn't true, I was worth something. And like a dusty curtain falling from a window for the first time I realized I am not what they say I am. I am perfect. My heart had been crushed so many times by the time I entered high school that it was a fine powder just stirring around like dust in the wind. Some nights I found myself locking the door to my bedroom holding a knife to my throat while the tears fell silently to the ground. Like a zombie, I went through everyday with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Being fat in middle school is like bathing in blood and jumping into a shark frenzy, my life was ripped to pieces at home and at school. For the longest time I believed them and thought that I was nothing and that it would be better if I just died. Freshman year in high school I embraced Christianity in a way I never had before and the idea that someone loved me for who I was and made me on purpose made me feel like a light was turned on. I was made for a reason and I am perfect. Attractive, who the hell needs that!? I can sing, I can write, and I can kick ass in school. Who cares about attractiveness? I broke free from the chains that had oppressed me all my life. I know I'm fat, I know I'm not handsome, but I'm frickin perfect! My father, my brothers, and my school continue to bombard me with insults and hatred everyday of my life, but I carry on, not just for me, but for those less attractive. If I ever hear someone ask how they look, or if they look "attractive" I will crush those words beneath the shear mass of my body until there is nothing left the way that word crushed me for so many years. I will tell them that they are perfect and that no one's opinion matters, but their own. When you die and all that is left are fragments of who you once were like a broken plate, no one will care if you were attractive.