i am nine 

i sit at a table with my best friend, but she has a new friend that says i'm annoying 

most days i feel overwhelming alone

after i do my homework, which is getting more and more difficult, we go to the hospital 

dad’s sister is very sick

and i don’t have to be a genius to understand the dying light in her eyes

on weekends, i make my brother waffles while we wait for momma to get home and dad to wake up

mom always comes first

two weeks before Christmas, I attend a funeral

and a week before I turn ten, my little sister is born.

/

i am seven

i get lost easily, though my new school isn’t big

early into the year, my father’s sister takes me out during snack time, 

i was eating Scooby doo gummies

we meet my little brother

cartoons play in the living room, and i swear to protect him with my life

dad goes out of town for a week at a time, give or take a few

the three of us make it work at home

on the weekends, mom puts on her scrubs

and i rock the baby under watchful eyes.

/

i am eleven

dad leaves for longer, misses more birthdays

when he comes home, the voices are loud

screaming in the kitchen, screaming in the night

i rock the baby, alone, and soothe my silent brother

i don’t even blame him, because sometimes i would rather keep my mouth shut too

two weeks before Christmas, i attend a funeral

mom’s dad left suddenly, and i do not have a grandfather

and so i close my eyes and pretend nothing is real.

/

i am nine

i am seven

i am eleven

and i am fourteen, eyeing a bottle of pills on my nightstand 

the loneliness is suffocating again

most days, i sleep in the late afternoon, because sleeping feels better than crying

because sleeping feels better than mourning the emptiness in my head where I used to feel excitement, and joy, and the thrill of youth

i am fourteen

i learn about these lovely numbers known as Calories through a song that still makes me cry though i am just a child and i am fourteen and so much time has passed and 

it has been six months since i felt like myself

no one notices

i am fourteen

all i want is to be ok

i am old now, decrepit and deteriorating 

and i do not remember what “ok” feels like.