i only write when my heart is weak and never happy. i only write when my thumbs can’t type anymore and my spirit is weak. my amateur poetry is only as good as rain on a dry day. some days i can jot down how seeing you hold her hand made me ache and my soul twist inside out and upside down. other days i can write on how happy i am to hate you and don’t get me started on the weekends, more specifically on sunday’s when seeing God seems so impossible and feeling His arms around me almost nonexistent. 

but it’s in the stillness of that pew i feel a breath on my neck and eyes on my hands. the hate that is built up against the ones who have hurt me dissolved. but it’s when i step out of the holy building onto the crackle of the pavement and my heels falling sinking deeper into the ground. im quiet. im in my car. contemplating my worth, my life. then again, the breath on my neck and the eyes on my hands and the love i once had for him comes flourishing back. i try to not let it, the flash backs of his kiss and the warmth of his fingers intertwined with mine visit me. they dance around my brain and sing songs to me. songs that were once ours. immediately i shake my head in the church parking lot and for some reason my fingers cannot start the car- why won’t you grab the keys? just put it in the ignition. it’s a remix. and in that moment the whispers of His Holy Spirit start to mend my heart. “you’re made to love him” and that phrase has never left my mind. now the next day and that evening when i’m writing about you and her, i’m not mad. i am relieved. i am wondering how long will it take you to realize the truth of us. amateur poetry, empty church buildings and Gods breath on my neck and his eyes on my hands. i am content because now it’s us. now i sit in the pew and love the stillness. now i sit in the parking lot staring at the cotton fields from the left and right . i look at the gray sky and my hands grab the keys . the ignition sparks. my heart is no longer weak but has found purpose within the leather seats. my soul sings along to the static on the radio and i am fine.