After Kevin Kantor:
When your childhood music teacher shows up on the people you may know tag on Facebook
You suddenly feel so little again
I click on a picture of him
He's juggling and suddenly I'm in my school's gymnasium watching him become a fool for us, watching his hands
Click: there's a picture of him with a guitar and I remember early morning lessons with him
Alone
Click: here he is standing next to the American flag, it's the 4th of July and I suddenly feel nauseous
This is to say that I feel a ghost standing over a crime scene I didn't even know was mine
This is to say that my mind seems to have become a killer in and of itself with its clockwork murder of my memories
This is to say he stole my name
Which is to say most of my memories of him are through someone else’s eyes
When your childhood rapist shows up on the people you may know tag on Facebook
You realize that you are the only fool in this situation
So I click through posts, sifting for memories in a memory
Click: I'm caught underneath his fingernails as he holds someone else's hand in the backyard of a home I’ve never in been too
Click: I see myself trapped in his teeth as he smiles, teeth bared, while eating dinner with his friends
Click: I know that hallway
Click: I've killed the memory of his laugh
Click: He’s standing by a river
He’s hiking with his friends
And suddenly I can’t breathe
He made me this unwilling ocean
He molded into me his anchor and reminds me that the only thing I’ll ever known is drowning
Click: He's holding a crying baby
This is an older picture
He’s younger and smiling and I wonder if that child ever grew up and looked through his facebook nearly a decade after the fact
Click: I remember this
It's Halloween
I'm in kindergarten I think and he was so happy with my red dress, my basket, and my red hood
I didn't know it then, but after that he become a shadow, the Monster
Question: if he is the Monster, why did no one ever check underneath my bed?
I don't remember
This is to say I thought I killed these memories, but the internet just dragged it back
We have 9 mutual friends
Two were my favorite elementary school teachers and the rest just some of my classmates
And paranoia grips me almost as roughly as he did
This is to say Mr. H is people you may know
This is to say my rapist is people you may know
He is people you may know so I am people you may know
This is to say that there might be people who know or people who may not know
The word no is a word that I don't even know if I ever really said
I don't know: no, no, no, no, no
I know I was child
Just a kid that got snatched up by the Monster in broad daylight
But now I've seen the Monster's family
I've seen his mother
I know his first name
And that he had a spiderman lunchbox when he was little
I wanted a spiderman lunch box when I was little
Suddenly I don't know who he is or what to call him
The halloween pic got 83 likes on facebook and all those people are gripping my throat, drowning me alongside him now
This is to say that sometimes it feels like they loaded the gun and cocked for him
This is to say I hope I'm the only one that had to swallow that shot