My breath loses thought, but my brain is reeling through images and I swear it won't ever stop.

A dose of fear catches hold of me at least once a day.

"I pray, Lord," I say, "I pray that one day I'll be out in the sun, away from the shade."

My phone, now restored, is always reminding me of my past that is so hard to take back

For it happened so very recently.

So now my worries are stacked up on racks so high that I can't make them balance.

I can't make them straight, 'cause I'm drowned out--filled to the rim like a drunkard with his chalice.

I'm drunk.

I'm drinking.

Feeling the worst in me.

Feeling as still as a tree when there is no wind to move me, no encouragement to help control the crazy.

'Cause I'm lazy. I admit there is no help for me.

Not right now, no, not at all.

You see--I'm scared for the future and what will come to be.

Yeah, I'm scared.... I don't want to be him, but I'll miss him and her collectively.

I promise I'll be there for you two, honestly.

And again, I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry I wouldn't let you be there for me.

I love you, and I'm doing my best to accept the hardest thing--

what will come to be.