I clenched my hands so very tightly my nails left their sharp mark on my pale winter sickened palms as I remembered

a flashback creeped swiftly behind my neck whispering his memory softly at first, and then all at once rushing its warm breath down to my chest

-for a moment I felt a sliver of the happiness I had felt that smoldering June afternoon overseeing the busy Chicago city

as the sun bathed us in its delicious vitamins

a precious moment I had chewed slowly, savoring its bright sweet flavor, forcing my soul in and out of my carcass once in a while

I recall my arms relying on his strength to hold me.

my hand caressing his roughed wonderful hair

my eyes shined as they centered and clung onto his blessed sparkling emerald eyes 

my knees refusing to lock 

my thoughts  liberated as he held me towards his warm solid chest

doubts and thoughts all ceased to exist

my body melted into his with the warmth’s blessing

my heart begged his to forever be mine

and at once a January sprinkle floated in front of my eyes and awoke me as it rested upon the tip of my

icy nose

his memory crashed head first into my aching pleading heart 

his boyish laughter and embraces to other women along with the ease to let me fall into this pit of despair and obscurity 

kicked me in my abdomen

I fell over and cried out a terrified agonizing wail

he looked over me and as my eyes glittered in tears cascading over my frail cold lifeless body

he shrugged and drifted away

he burned my memory to the stake leaving ashes to be dealt with the September wind

tears drowned my sadness and flooded my heart

an ocean of my agony pushed through the walls of my body to create a comfortable residence of darkness

I believed in darkness 

I believed in being small

I felt the color black paint over my heart

I felt the slams of each board and nail as they were forced upon outside of my heart 

his absence threw my arms aside

my eyes lost their shine

my knees locked

my thoughts began to fumble and incarcerated me to believe in his absence and mine in his life

my body began to reflect every sentiment from the inside out

I felt the sun refusing its presence upon me

p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: #454545}
p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; color: #454545; min-height: 14.0px}

My heart imploding his return

until when shall I implode silently?

until I believe in myself to be enough

and I am enough

I believe in being more than enough

I believe in being strong and tall 

I believe in colors painting over my heart

I believe in pulling and drawing each and every nail of insecurity out of my heart

my arms began to gain strength

my eyes began to shine

my knees gained strength

my thought began to erase memories

I felt the sunshine on my shoulders once again

I felt my heart race once more

the memories drifted with his actions

and it was then where I did not feel pain nor defeat

I believe in redemption

I believe that wherever there was fire, ashes remain

and while that may be- my implodes do not matter

I believed in the sun looking out for me

I believed in God's comfort

and it was then that I no longer suffered when spirits of the past whispered memories to me

he is now just another memory in my mind