It Is I, The Lucifer of Rainbows

Remember mommy,

how we would smile at rainbows?

Seeing them reminded both of us,

that the gray color of uncertainty

Has parted.

To the clear view, blue skies,

you held my toddler-self close,

clasped your worn hands

and cried like Noah had many years ago.

No more of those overworked days

and tormented nights.

So you looked at that rainbow,

with your tears reflecting its vibrant beauty

and shouted

“God is merciful”

And that you love Him with all your heart.

As you rejoiced to the heavens,

I grabbed you closer.

Years later, I’m looking at a rainbow.

But I did not smile at it.

I shook.

I looked at the mirror.

I shook my head.

I looked at the mirror again.

There, still there,

Myself, a rainbow.

What was I doing on Earth?

Don’t I belong in the heavens?

I remember asking you,

after this discovery,

“What does this mean?”

You took out the Yellow Pages,

binded dark blue,

With a title of golden lettering,

“The Bible”

And told me

that I can find my answer in here.

You held me close,

clasped your worn hands with mine

And told me,

“We’ll get through this storm together”

You held me close,

With our hands together, we prayed,

“God is merciful, amen”

I looked at you, but you were looking up again.

To God

But I continued,
hoping that wherever my prayer goes,

that's where I'll find you.

But when my amen inevitably transformed

its meaning

from divine admiration

to male attraction,

you let your hands go.


I protested.

"Was I not a rainbow in your eyes?

Created in God’s will,

was I not?"

But you stared at me in contempt.
How dare I,
thinking that God and Gay

both meant love.

You told me a storm is approaching,

and that I was the Lucifer of Rainbows.

A rainbow fallen from heaven,

casted away from God for my transgressions.

I did not deserve to shine in the sky.

As I saw you walking away,

I threw myself to you, but to no avail

So I looked at you,

with my tears reflecting my shame

and shouted for your name.

I felt a cold breeze consume my body,

I was left without your warm embrace,

and felt my heart shatter from the impact.

And that was the second time,

that I fell from heaven.




Remember mother,

how we would smile at rainbows?

Seeing one reminded me,

that the gray color of uncertainty

clouds my future.

With clear tears, and blue eyes,

I held my black and blue Bible close

Clasped my beaten hands

And cried like you had many years ago.

I was in the eye of the storm,

but you were no longer there to protect me.

No more of your love.

I was no longer your God-gifted son.

But I did not hate Him.

I hated my love for him.

So I looked at that rainbow above.

Envious of its God-given beauty and grace,

I shouted,

“All I Need Is,

Not His love,

Not his love,

But yours.”

This poem is about: 
My family