i never meant to be the crutch to your busted leg. That wasn’t what it was about. i was just a quill in your hand, helping you realize you could write your own story if you just took the chance to locate the ink. i was the shovel helping you dig yourself out of the lies of everything you thought you knew. i was the red pill, the path to the rabbit's hole, the shattered looking glass. but I was never a cure. i was never an antidote to make things better. how could i be when all i’d ever known was the whispers of shhh-baby-things’ll-work-out’s and knock-knock-death’s-at-your-door.

i wouldnever couldnever run your life when i was rapidly ruining mine. burning out bright sounds so poetic but in reality its not. its not as elegant as it sounds. its staring at the stars and waiting for that moment when you can smoke in the stardust, when you have to pick out the nebulas that got stuck between your teeth. somedays there are comets in my eyelashes, someday there are meteorites falling from my lips. i know i always said it was in the stars love, because one day i hope to be one. but don’t take that as an invitation. i still wont be your north star, your path or guide. when i’m a star i’ll be at the farthest reach of the galaxy, away from this world that taught me of nothing but death and life and the difference between living and existing. because i’ve only ever known how to exist.

you should know wild hearts live so fast because they are always afraid of burning out at the slightest touch. And i’m burningburningburning everyday as i try and live and exist and get you to understand that i didn’t plan this. i don’t want your love, i don’t want my heart to leap in my throat every time you laugh that breathy way that sounds like candles being blow out. it reminds me of birthdays, of wishes i’ll never get to make. and i don’t need my hands to itch to touch yours just because they think they fit best there because i cant complete this puzzle with you. i am not even a piece of the puzzle, i’m cut from something different, a hello bundled up so nicely in a goodbye, a dying star that was never born to begin with. i am a burnt out supernova with only one way left to go, a black hole that can only consume and want and want and need. i cant return your affection, i can’t let you do this, i can’t-

but i do. my bed smells of you and you smell of paper and books and slightly burnt toast. there are colors now where i don’t want them, a smile on my face in the reflection when i don’t need it. i cracked the mirror but that girl still smiles back at me because she knows. she knows i cant be her, i cant be her for long. this secret eats me, rots me out but how do you tell someone you only have so many breathes to breathe? how do you love someone only to let them watch you break at the seams? i know my days are limited, i know my expiration date is coming up and its not fair, its not- its not-

but i’m lying when i say i dont need this because i have never felt so awake as when you run your hands down my ribs and play them to your melody. when our hearts beat the same tune and we stop to learn it, to memorize it, i realize thats when i’m living and not just existing. because there’s a difference and no one has quite learned what that is yet but maybe when you kiss my forehead and call me a star i can imagine maybe we found the answer.

and this all boils down to you making me want to live forever.

and the thing is, i can’t.

(i was a dying girl from the start)