It starts out

You look at your Barbies without any clothes on

And you make them kiss each other

But it’s no big deal

Because your Barbies kiss Kens too

You have a crush on a boy at preschool

You know it’s a crush because

It’s just how it goes

Boys like girls and girls like boys and that’s it

And you find yourself wanting

The girl with dark hair at the church daycare

To like you and play with you only

But you don’t realize it until much later

That your feelings for the girl and the boy

Were the same

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

You’re a little older

And gay is used as an insult

But you don’t know what it means

So you just go along with it

Someone starts a rumor

Through the fifth grade grapevine

That a girl is bisexual

And everyone isolates and talks bad about her

And then she moves away

And you didn’t know what bisexual meant

But it must’ve been bad

You develop a crush on a grown up

And you think about her a lot

The same way you thought about a boy before

But you don’t realize it’s the same really because

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

In middle school

Your best friend comes out as gay

And you’re older now

And know what it means

And you don’t even think about it

Because you love him and it doesn’t change anything

And a new girl moves to school

And she says she’s bisexual

And you’re her only friend

And everyone thinks you’re dating

But that doesn’t bother you at all

And you think about what if you dated her

But she moves away and you don’t hear from her again

And you just tell yourself

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

The next school year starts

And you hear about how

A bunch of middle school girls

Keep saying they’re bisexual

Even though they aren’t

And they give in to all the bisexual stereotypes

Promiscuous

Just going through a phase

Lying

They give bisexuals a bad name

And you think

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

A couple summers later

You find yourself

Experimenting with hormones and lust

And you find yourself liking

Girls with girls

Sometimes more than

Girls with guys

A lot of times more than

A lot

But it’s no big deal, you shrug

Because you still like boys too

You have crushes on them too

Just like all your friends

But you don’t tell anyone and push it all out of your mind

You don’t confront it or question it

That’ll make it real

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

You start researching LGBTQ+ identities and issues

And you’re so moved

And it makes you feel less alone

Though you’re not sure why

There was always something you felt was missing

You were missing a part of yourself

Walking right past something

Something obvious

Something

But you could never figure out what it was

You thought

Someday you’ll have some great, life-changing epiphany

And everything will be rainbows and unicorns and sunshine

But you figure it’s because

Your best friend is flaming gay

And you’re just an extra-supportive, extra-vocal ally

Other people are gay

Not you, of course

Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad

And then one day

You find yourself

On the floor

Crumpled naked in the bathroom in a blue towel

Blue-

The color that symbolizes the only thing you should love and lust after

Sobbing your eyes out

Thinking of how your life is over

Because months after fantasizing

Of your best girl friend

And after years of fantasizing

Of girls in general

It all just clicks

You feel a shift in your brain

Thought the shift takes a while

To complete

And then you finally say it

"I’m bisexual"

When you stop looking for something

It shows up

The light bulb goes off

The epiphany

There it is

Why doesn’t everything feel

Like it’ll always be rainbows and unicorns and sunshine, like you thought?

Oh

Life can be so ironic

But you can’t stop crying

To appreciate the irony

And you want to tear at your skin

With knives or razors or fingernails or rusty scissors

Like you did years before

As you hear your mother’s words

Echo in your ears

Over and over

"Nobody wants a gay child

Nobody wants their child to be gay

It’s so hard for the parents

What’s bisexual? That’s not real!

If you date a guy and you’re a guy, you’re gay

And if you date a girl and you’re a guy, you’re straight

You can’t be both.”

And suddenly

You hear every little remark

Every family member and classmate

Has ever made to you

About gays and lesbians and bisexuals

And trans people and all the other letters the “plus” includes

Screaming at you

And they fill up the bathroom and

You’re squished to the floor

You can’t breathe

And you scream into your blue towel

Your whole body hurts

It’s like you’re not in your own skin

How could you not have known?

How did it take you eighteen years to figure something

So obvious

Out?

And you’re so confused

But not in the way everyone assumes you would be

Because this hasn’t been a phase

You’re scared to death

Because people

Even your own mother

Thinks it’s not real

But yet

Here you are

There must be some mistake

You must be some mistake

You feel alone

What if you get kicked out and disowned?

Who’s gonna love you?

Shouldn’t you have figured this out by now?

Will anyone even believe you?

And you just keep hearing yourself say

"Bisexual is bad

You can’t be bad”