What does skinny mean to you

It was my whole world

Liquid diet nothing solid supposed to last a week but I'm gagging in a day craving the candy in that little orange pumpkin bucket and my mama's cooking oh my mama's cooking want it so bad but this celery is better

Judging foods by their calorie content 90 120 200 as if these stupid little numbers can define taste (no but they can define your weight) 250 oh no too much can't burn that off put it back

but i want it i do i want the taste of sweet so bad been so long since I had sugar starting to tear off the wrapper

No you don't you want to be skinny look models strutting down the catwalk don't you want those cheekbones and thigh gap and itty bitty waists oh god yes i do i want to look like them i want to be

P E R F E C T well then you aren't hungry anymore are you no no no putting it back with shaking hands oh god just a bite but my thighs rub together i don't deserve a bite

Stomach grumbles in class I look down face is flushed pretend it isn't me why is my body so traitorous check the scale when you get home flashing numbers have to lose 5 more pounds but i just want to eat

Spend all day strong but when the lights go off I'm done for and i'm running to the pantry filching food like a thief in my own home and i gorge like the kings my mind is blank all i know is carbonated soda and fake flavors explode across my tongue and i groan in ecstasy then suddenly it's done

and i'm left to stare blankly at the wrappers that litter my floor my cellophane betrayal they crinkle under my fingertips and i want to scream at the sound

My lowest point I stuck a finger down my throat tried as hard as I could but nothing came out just a red face and teary eyes isn't this supposed to work i just wanted to be s k i n n y and then i curl up on the bathroom floor sweet cold tile and cry and cry

Cry for the little girl who wanted to be a princess but then she found out princesses don't have stomachs that poke out and so she turned in her happiness and her health for that stupid shining beautiful crown it's all i wanted and I gave you everything but now you want my dignity and i'm done should have been done long ago

fuck this i'll make my own crown

and if i want to eat my mama's cooking i will. i don't care about calories anymore once my whole life now they're just numbers. i don't need to be skinny i'm H E A L T H Y hear that? i'm H A P P Y and yes I see the models i hope they're happy too but you know you don't need chiseled cheekbones or ribs that poke out to be happy you just got to know you're

already P E R F E C T and so i can trash the magazine and tear open that wrapper if i want and no more binging in the night because who do i need to hide from. i'm beautiful and i'm proud and look

Look.

i have a crown.