Dear God, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Father, Allah, Hari, Mazda, Buddha, Hades, Yesus, Gaia, Atlas, (insert holy name here),

Whoever You are, whatever You are, if You’re watching, if You care,

I’m sorry.

 

I’d like to apologize in advance for my actions.

One day, maybe, I’ll face You,

and You will open your great big book of sins or wrongdoings or whatever you keep track of and You will ask me,

“So what’s the deal?” or something like that.

I’ll probably shrug and reply, “I dunno”.

Or something like that.

 

I’d like to apologize in advance for my actions.

My dungeon has thoroughly been shaken,

and I’m not coping all too well, as I’m sure is visible from wherever You’re sitting.

From the day I started walking, my ground started swaying.

And just when my body would start moving to the sideways motion,

my world would shudder,

and my sky would fall down around me.

 

But God, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Father, Allah, Hari, Mazda, Buddha, Hades, Yesus, Gaia, Atlas, whomever,

I’m sure You already knew that.

 

I’m sure You saw when Mom was sneaking around,

when Dad came home to find her,

when the divorce papers were signed,

and when I was suddenly shuffled between households.

All a part of the master plan, right?

 

I’m sure You were watching Mom leave a few years later,

and then randomly turn up,

and then randomly claim custody,

only to call Dad when her friends were coming over,

so she could go get ‘fucked up’.

 

I’m sure You were watching when she gave me her hand-me-down clothes at age 10,

and I dumped out a bag of mini skirts and crop tops,

and when I found the needles in the purse pockets and couldn’t quite draw the conclusions.

All a part of the master plan, right?

 

I’m sure You were watching when she said, “I’ll only be gone a minute!”

and then turned up the next morning.

Or when she said “Wake me up so I can take you to school tomorrow!”

and despite my pleading, and banging on the door,

and yelling into the karaoke speaker system for her to wake up,

she remained asleep,

and I remained at home.

 

I’m sure you were watching when I had the epiphany that followed at age 12.

The sudden realization as the walls came crashing down.

The tall, clear shoes Mom’s friends wore, LEDs in their heels.

The wads of cash that would pop up after every car ride some new place,

or every Sunday morning, after the weekend had passed.

I’m sure You were watching.

But, it’s all a part of the master plan, right?

 

This world of mine shook again when Dad confessed to leaving her because she was unfaithful,

when she didn’t deny it,

and when her next boyfriend went to jail,

and when she turned up missing. Again.

 

I’d like to apologize in advance for my actions that followed.

I would like to beg for Your understanding as I begin to plead my case.

With Dad working double shifts at double jobs,

and Mom running the streets,

I know I made a few poor decisions.

And, yes, I use the term few loosely.

 

When that first boy told me he loved me,

those words melted me.

Someone cared, right?

I’m sure You were watching as he and I did things we were way too young for at only 13,

things I didn’t really want to do,

but felt obligated.

He said he loved me, right?

If I didn’t, he could find someone who would.

He would ‘love’ someone else.

I’m sure You were watching, and I’d like to apologize for my actions.

I’m sure it was just a one time thing, right?

All a part of the master plan. Right.

 

When Mom turned up again, and left again, and turned up again, and then left again,

it definitely gave me a little shake.

That year was so, so hard.

I’d like to apologize and explain.

That first kiss, that first messy thing that happened, that first drink of shitty vodka,

that first vicodin, that first hit, that first skipped meal, that first fight, that first everything that happened that year,

I just want to say I’m sorry, it was just a coping mechanism.

I’m sure You already know that, right?

 

I’d like to apologize for my actions as they still continued.

Later, at 15, I thought it was better,

I thought I was on top of the world, and that nothing could bring me down,

and again, my world shook when my best friend and my boyfriend were sneaking around,

only 15 years old and I was in my first abusive relationships,

some best friend.

I thought I could recover,

I kicked her out of my life, and took him back,

he told me I had to.

But I’m sure You saw that from Your mighty throne.

 

I had to take him back, right?

My world was crashing down again and he loved me.

In hindsight, those were not words of love;

“No one else would put up with someone like you.”

“No one wants you.”

“You’re lucky you have me.”

“You want to show me you love me, right?”

“Why did you look at the guy? You’re not pretty enough for him!”

“Ha, you think you’re anorexic? You’re too fat to have an eating disorder.”

“Why did you get that kids number? To study? Whore.”

“I can’t believe you ate that much. Gross.”

And yet it persisted.

But the trembling, teetering walls that surrounded me now were the norm.

My shaking world was comfortable.

But, one night I did break.

But You saw that, didn’t You?

All a part of the master plan, right?

 

When I finally summoned the energy and courage and self worth to run away from that, were You watching God, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Father, Allah, Hari, Mazda, Buddha, Hades, Yesus, Gaia, Atlas, who ever you are,

Were You the slightest bit proud?

That’s the only time that my walls crashing down was for the better.

They were rotting and cracked,

and I rebuilt them,

brand new,

painted them white,

and even put a door in.

Did You see that?

 

I began praying every morning, meal and night to You.

I wrote You letters in the margins of my bibles,

I went to all three services and two bible studies,

and youth group,

and I volunteered in the youth ministries,

and went on every outing,

and brought my friends to church.

I cried during sermon.

I stayed after to pray with the Pastor.

I was baptised.

I praised You and held You above everything and kept a bible in my backpack.

Things were going great.

Were You watching?

Was it a part of the master plan?

 

I started to fall away from church, though.

It wasn’t You,

it was everyone else.

Everyone says they are accepting.

But I could feel the judgement in the air.

The next breaking point and thing that sent me over the edge;

I was cast in the Easter play as a bulimic model.

I was in Your own ‘house’,

so I sure hope You were watching.

Was that a part of the master plan, too?

 

I’d like to apologize for rarely going back.

I’d like to apologize for everything that followed my lack of returning to that church.

I figured I didn’t need You,

Mostly because I was told that they were in Your image,

and they weren’t all that ‘all accepting’ stuff I’d been promised.

The very last thing I needed was more people telling me all I’d done wrong.

 

I figured I didn’t need You.

I had a great new boyfriend,

a great new group of friends,

a great mentor I kept in touch with,

and a few awesome teachers.

I’m sorry.

I know You saw that one.

 

But God, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Father, Allah, Hari, Mazda, Buddha, Hades, Yesus, Gaia, Atlas, whomever, whatever, if You’re even there,

is there a master plan?

was there a method to this madness?

Are You sitting up, or down, or around somewhere and watching me mess up?

Are You watching now?

 

If You’re watching now, I’m especially sorry.

You had to have seen all the dumb decisions I’ve been making.

I guess I got tired of everyone trying to shape me.

I wanted to shape me.

I want to shape me.

Is there a master plan that I am messing up?

 

That morning that I realized him and I were not working,

and that moment of the sudden realization of my past,

my present,

and my future.

We were falling out of love more quickly than we fell in.

That single epiphany and combination of multiple moments of weakness was all it took.

I’m sorry.

I suppose this is an apology to both You and him in this moment.

Were those moments a part of a master plan?

I thought he was a part of it.

I guess my reckless actions really messed that one up.

 

When you ask me, “So what’s the deal?”

I suppose I will hand you this letter and try to justify myself with statements like:

“I did it because I wanted the adrenaline rush that comes with rebellion.”

“I did it all for the same reasons people jump off bridges, assured only by an elastic strip.”

“I did it for the same reason people shove hollow metal into their arms and inject themselves with potential diseases but still the promise of an ultimate high.”

“I did it because I wanted to.”

“I did it because I was tired of people shaking and breaking my walls down for me and I wanted to do it for myself.”

Is that justification enough for messing up Your grand plan?

I know there is not apologies enough in this world to say I’m sorry for everything I have done, and everything I still do, every night, every weekend, every chance I get.

 

But God, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Father, Allah, Hari, Mazda, Buddha, Hades, Yesus, Gaia, Atlas, who ever You are, if You’re there,

I’m sorry.