By Paul Beatty
despite that i overslept
and set a guinness book world record for coming in late
its still time for me to take my 15 minute break
pull off my sweater vest
talking shit
cross my sneakers on the desk
threaten to call my union rep
if these fools
dont stop lookin at me crazy
whisperin lazy
under their breath
but during my siesta
i eavesdrop on societys best
imagine im a distinguished ethnographer
on the black pbs
talkin with a british lisp
in front of a bookshelf
welcome to alistair cooke’s In Search of
today we pursue The Elusive True Nature of Whitey
notice as
our cameras
zoom in on
a pinstriped pack of business school well groomed brooks brother
smoothies
encamped around a water cooler jostling for room in their natural
habitat
wiping dunkin donut crumbs off their jackets and engaged in debates
on hot topics
such as:
nuclear waste the china syndrome
alternative methods of heating their homes
and right before
the herd starts to roam
the menfolk take part in the ritual
shooting of the styrofoam cups into the trash basket
and if they make it
they dance around like
they just saved the world
headin my way
lookin for some dap
so i try to look busy
which im good at
start rustlin charts
construct some new paper clip art
chew on a pen cap as if im seriously studying my messenger map
hmmmm did you know that main street runs perpendicular to beech
and parallel with elm for exactly 1 and seven/eighteenths of
a mile
before it intersects with west crest
well blow me down
i aint got time to mope
worryin aloud about
how imma cope wid radioactive isotopes and mushroom clouds
when its me myself
thats about to explode
an overloaded low level gung-ho ah-so nigro rickshaw coolie
the company dr. doolittles thought they knew me
i talk the animals como se llama push–me–pull–me
bowin n kowtowin
eatin crow
holdin my tongue
hands clung so tightly to the bottom rung
cant even reach for the glass ceiling
my feet planted in corporate dung
growing roots
in the ground zero
terra firma
of affirmative
daily inaction
copy xerox mop remember the blue ones go on top
shred fedex the checks press the red button next
fax wax collapse the green mail sacks go to jack
right after i put my year-end evaluation
in the management trainee mailbox
one of them fresh out of college cookie cutter fuckers
invites me to meet the buddies for drinks at mcgillicuddy’s
i only wanted a nine to five
that classified didnt say nothin bout havin to socialize
now this wage slave
is t-minus nine heinekens from critical mass
me and a few hoogie white democrats
drinking after work rolling rocks
smoking marlboros out of the box
all you can do is wait for the chain reaction show of ass
when one of em
looks me in the eye
and decides
to say something to the colored guy
its
all systems go
the white folks start actin like they know
hey bro er uh bro-ham
i happen to be a big rap fan
went to see ice cube and michel’le
at the hollywood palladium
and i was the only white person in the place
aint i soul brother
there must have been another workshop on how to handle your
support staff
which in this craft is a euphemism for niggers n spics
itsa trip
watching a one-sided will to unite
if i could get in a word edgewise i wouldnt
since im with my boss
and dont want to get fired
all i can do is sigh
too chicken to pay the price
as they get excited
giddy from overexercising their rights
my dad owns a liquor store in the inner city so i know how you feel
ive read toni morrisons beloved twice
and even though i still didnt get it the second time shes just so real
i believe that spike is truly five for five
no no you dont understand i really want to be like mike
or maybe a harlem globetrotter
its my dream to send my daughter to spelman
where can she get a check up for sickle cell
whats the name of your hair gel/pomade
do you use a depilatory when you shave
how can i join the crips
just what is hip
i know its after the fact but i dont think king shouldve called for calm
i wanna be a minister in the nation of islam
isnt so and so such an uncle tom
when theyre through
they pat themselves on the back
and quote jesse jackson
we have to start on the front end of head start and day care
not on the back end of prison and welfare
keepin hope alive
i buy the next round
wonderin how it would sound if i changed my name to skip
placed a mike tyson kingsized if i ruled the world chip on my shoulder
went to a joint full of rednecks
put my elbows on the bar cleared my throat and said
becks
then id go into my show
did you know i was elected to the senate inna landslide
and i was the only colored man there without rag in my hand for
polishin brass or shining shoes
or
at last weeks tractor pull i was the only spear chukker
drivin monster pick-ups over a bunch of crushed oldsmobiles
or
i sailed in the americas cup
or
i went to the university of vermont and rowed crew
or
i grew up in a two room shack in the appalachian mountains picked
myself up
by the shitkickers went door to door selling berlitz and scripture
moved to
utah sang soprano in the mormon tabernacle choir married into the
osmonds
and now i spend my weekends smokin pot with donnie and marie
reading back
issues of teen beat magazine
or
im included in the canon
im a cardinal in the vatican
im the highest paid player on the boston red sox
i own IBM stock
i play nazi punk rock
i drink coors extra gold by the case
i can say puke with a straight face
i have a seat on wall street
im an LL bean catalogue model
my art is in the metropolitan
i had a major part in a woody allen movie
and i do the broadway casting for tommy tune
but i wouldn’t give a shit about nuna dis
if i could just say im a nigger who has enough room