Disorder
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Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder,ymmm may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. It’s not your fault.
Recovery
something beautiful
and yet so chaotic,
words sweal
forming memories
thoughts
Recovery
seen as negative,
reminder of what we are
what we could be
I wasn’t always this lost, my days consumed by chaos
An era where everything makes me nervous
And every other day my mood drops, and rises
It’s always a fight to find my way through this mind fog
I have always been the small girl. The short girl ,the skinny girl, the I can wrap my fingers around her wrist girl. The eat a cheeseburger girl.
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favorite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
What if Cinderella was actually a slave whose prince led her through the Underground Railroad?
What if Aurora had social anxiety?
What if Snow White had Dissociative Identity Disorder?
The hair of my arms turned,
I know this collision of arms is inevitable,
Yet my mind spins like a ferris wheel gone rogue,
A correction must be made to my limbs,
Wrong, this is wrong; tears pry their way out
My mind is like a random password generator.
They come.
They go.
Never the same.
m8cvp8w7jzo
There is a switch in my head.
But not two options.
Hundreds
Too many inside.
Dreadful Dreadful
In every cell
Dreadful Daughter
Lives in hell
Dreadful Dreadful
You cant tell
Dreadful Daughter
Fakes it well
Dreadful Dreadful
Hear her knell?
It is delicious and sweet,
So simple to enjoy,
When not having to worry about a thing.
For me that's not the case.
I love food, at least I did
But the relationship is on and off.
For the record,
I am myself.
Even in the dark
with no mirrors, no clues,
I am myself.
I am not the feeling
I'm going insane.
Happy as can be in a moment,
Only to come crashing down the next,
Into the darkness of my head.
From a pleasant thought,
To one leaving me distraught,
I sit alone in the dark.
When you look at him, he can feel his veins burn up, he can feel them grow weak as his blood grows stale.
He walks like he has some place to be,
hurried footsteps resounding through the empty hallways.
He keeps his head down, watches his feet, as if that will save him from stumbling.
People say the relationship is toxic.
That he'll kill me.
(It surely well might be the case)
But it's not your business
I tell myself
People say the relationship ain't healthy.
I am not my disorder,
I am not alone in my fight,
I am a force to be reckonned with,
I am one that stands tall in the light,
I am not a kicked puppy,
I am not a shattered looking glass,
I hate my speech!
I hate how sounds are released,
I hate how my S’s last longer than a Second
I hate how my lip tightens .
Half of the word is cuffed in throat
The mind races
millions of thoughts
as the moon rises--
questions unanswered--
curiosity.
Energy exists
where energy is naught--
adrenaline rush.
So many things to do
Often I find myself in thought
Silent on the outside, screaming on the inside
Internally I fought
how do you desceice to someone
something they have never felt?
the tortures existens that god hath delt me
each day i promise myself that i will make it threw the day
one step at a time.
One, two, three-
Organized alphabetically.
Four, five, six-
this must have a fix.
Seven, eight, nine-
but I hate to whine.
Ten, elven, twelve-
mentally it delves.
it was innocuous at first.
(doesn't it always start off like that?)
my lips were just a little too chapped and
it looked bad,
so i peeled off some of the old skin.
no harm done, right?
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
Wake up late,
Mornings I hate
Don't like leaving my bed
The smell of bacon
Brings a cravin'
Jam spread over bread
Hash browns or home fries
Always satisfies
Kethchup on top
Reading! Writting! Things that make people cringe but makes smilegive me words over sports give me a book over TV
Note: A short story based of of the Warrior Cats book series written by Erin Hunter.
I wake up and feel the fear,
my stomach folds in a knot,
another day is here,
where my thoughts begin to clot.
Panic disorder is a cruel master,
even though its whispers are irrational,
Trying for the relationship I wanted,
I copied my father’s moves and emotions.
Genetics helped out, only a little.
Father, What have I done to myself?
Gripping, pulling, plucking, repeat--
suddenly i am julted awake by that feeling. it strikes through me like lightning and thunders in my head and leaves a pouring storm of rain falling continuously from my storm cloud eyes.
You were taken too soon my friend
And I sit here and wonder
Why your life had to end
Like the rolling of thunder
My one regret is not responding
In the month of November
We all deal with monsters,
Monsters in our heads,
Monsters in our bodies.
Depression, Scizophrenia,
Rymitoid, CRPS.
The monsters kill us,
Inside and out,
To the point of no return,
when it breaks it doesn't make a sound
there is no indication of its condition
it just gives in, falling prey
to the repetitive oppression
of day after day after day.
She looks in the mirror who she sees is not who she is.
Who hears the voice of the mentally ill?
Who feels for them when they cry from the pain they feel?
It seems they are feared and everyone worries
Is their problem contagious or more comfortable ignoring?
What the hell is wrong with these peopleTreating others way less than equalWe have to fix this nowCause this isn't a movieAnd there won't be a sequelAn ignorant mind is feeble
Birds fly awayAs the sky turns black and greyMeteors rainBuildings engulfed in flamesPeople are crazed, enraged, and others are afraidExpected to listen to what the TV said
Who are you?
You are not my mother today.
We do not know what you will do,
The children must leave
So they are safe.
"Safe from what?", the little ones ask,
I write to release the anger and anguish of a childhood lost. I write to tell the story of becoming a mother and father to a baby brother at the age of thirteen.
I am Alpha and OmegaThe beginningThe end
Eloquent, as her words share the breath of life and colorA penchant to liveTo survive
Maybe to laughProbably love
My way of life
And your way of life
Are two different ways of living.
Where my dreams are reality
And yours are solely nonfiction,
Imagination forms a line
That borders this idea
