You are a baby girl, born to young, Mexican parents. Your mother is 14 years old and your father is 19 years old. You are born and raised, under strict parents, who are more than dedicated to their Catholic religion. At the age of three you are forced to wear dresses and have your hair fixed properly. You must play with all the “girly” toys that have been given to you. You cannot play with the boys. You have to play with the girls. You cannot get dirty because girls must always be clean. You must dress and behave like a girl. You go through this torture for a few years.

            You are 6 years old when you are set free and are able to change into someone that you want to be. You change drastically, putting your “girly” side away. You play soccer with the boys, hang out with the boys, and even dress like one of the boys. You are one of the boys. You finally feel accepted. You finally fit in. You are finally truly happy. You don’t question anything about yourself. You think you are normal. You are fine with who you are until the 7^th grade.

            You are 12 years old. You can’t stand the torment from the other girls. You can’t stand the criticism or the looks thrown at you every single day. You are less than a year away from being a teenager. You decide to simmer down. You decide to change. You decide to be who society wants you to be. You decide to be one of the girls. You put away your oversized jerseys, oversized jeans, and replace them with “girly” clothes along with forcing yourself to spend about an hour fixing your hair and placing makeup on your face even if it kills you inside. You begin to do this every day. It’s around this time that you decide to end the rumors and questions being thrown at you, because “THEY ARE NOT TRUE.” You decide that you cannot be bisexual because homosexuality was disgusting. You begin to show your interest in boys and the rumors evaporate almost instantly

            You begin to live your life as a lie. You date boys, some of them you actually like but most you don’t. You just want to fit in and be accepted. You don’t want to be treated differently. You don’t want to be shunned because you’re gay. You are scared of being harassed by your peers. You are scared of what your family would do to you. You have to fit in or else. You have to continue changing. So you stop hanging out with some of your best guy friends and begin to do other stuff. You join cheerleading, even though the sport disgusts you. You begin to act and talk and dress like a girl. You are overwhelmed. You miss who you use to be. You are not happy. You hate who you have become. You ignore the constant voice in the back of your head. You ignore all the insecurities and continue changing. You change even more after you turn 14 and enter high school.

            You are surrounded by your older cousins and their older friends. You have to prove yourself to be accepted. You build a reputation that brings nothing but respect from many. You hate this respect. You know that this respect is nothing but fake. You are seen as a hardcore drinker and a hardcore smoker. You don’t like drinking or smoking but soon you become addicted. You drink to build your confidence and smoke because that comes with the reputation of being labeled as “krazy.” You begin to drink and smoke and soon you begin to forget who you are. You begin to forget about school and you begin to focus only on your social life.

            You are labeled as crazy and outgoing, one of the funniest girls to be around. You are surrounded by an immeasurable amount of “friends.” No one question you or who you are. You think you have it all figured out. You think you are happy and loving life. You are a month away from turning 15 when you are arrested for underage drinking. You are given 75 hours of community service along with various alcohol abuse programs. You complete your community service hours but are kicked out of all the alcohol abuse programs. You don’t learn your lesson. You continue drinking as you turn 15 but only at a very minimal level. You only drink at an occasional party or two. You begin focusing on school, seeing college in your future.

            You are 16 when your grandmother gets ill. You figure she’ll get better soon especially since she’s always in and out of the hospital. You use to spend days and nights at the hospital, cuddled up in a wooden chair, watching her struggle. You celebrate her birthday on October 4th but mourn her death on October 7th, only three days later. You begin to hate the world. You begin to question everything you have ever known including yourself. You begin to see things in a different light. You begin to see your family in a different light. You begin to see reality and realize that reality is not pretty nor beautiful, just ugly. You realize that your grandmother was the savior of this family. You realize that she was the only person that kept this family together. You realize that without her, the family of 6 sons and 6 daughters, about 40 grandchildren, 20 great grandchildren and various other relative, will never be the same. You detest this reality a lot but slowly begin accepting this reality.

            You are 17 years old when your grandfather dies. You are sad but also happy that he is no longer suffering. You accept his death easier than most. You learn a lot from death. You try to continue living. You try to be happy but sadness eats at your heart. Your fight to live on is a daily struggle. You reveal yourself to your generation that includes friends and various family members. You begin to accept that you are bisexual. You finally come out about the second hardest thing you have been dying to reveal. You soon encounter many other people that are like you and they give you strength. You fall in love with a girl but don’t act on it. You let that opportunity slide with an enormous amount of regret.

            You are 19 years old when you finally tell your mother about your sexuality. You are surprised by her acceptance but like yourself, she changed after encountering death. You tell her about your girlfriend, a love that you thought had slip from within your grasp. You tell her about your drug usage, your suicidal tendencies and you dependence on alcohol. You feel at ease, finally speaking about how you truly feel. You think you have finally conquered life but it’s only the beginning. You are now dealing with heartbreak. You are also dealing with insecurities as to whether you will be successful or not. You are a stressed and depressed college student dealing with withdrawal from alcohol, and cocaine and the pressures of being an adult. You are only 19 years old and struggling with more than you can handle.