I've told myself for many years
That I was finally happy.
That I saw myself in a different light,
I finally saw myself beautiful.
But I was only kidding myself.
It only resulted in me standing in front of
A mirror, judging myself more harshly.
Every pore, every stretch mark, every pimple
Sitting on my face, neck, chest, and back.
I'd lie and tell myself that I saw myself
As a beautiful girl.
But, in reality I couldn't even take a compliement.
I was stuck living in the body of the
Elementary school girl body,
that was overweight and wanted to cut all the fat off.
Now skinny, to the point of being mistaken
For a girl with an eating disorder,
Though all I do is eat;
People praise me for my body.
I'm skinny, musclar, have a thigh gap.
But now, I'm more terrified than ever,
That my friends believe that they want what I have.
I finally see myself as beautiful, but I still hide
For the simple fact that having
A fast metabolism has resulted in my friends not
Liking their own body.
But I wish they could see, and that I could show,
The many stretchmarks I still bore.
That if I don't eat, I feel sick and weak,
I'm 15 to 20 pounds underweight,
But it's weight I can't gain.
My emotions are messed up.
I'm happy with myself, but I don't want others to see.
I want them to love themselves, not me.
Yes, I'm mentally and physically strong,
But I'm breaking more and more.
My wall keeps falling, with not enough time to rebuild.
I wasn't allowed to cry,
So crying for me is being weak.
I handle hate well, because I hated myself.
I hate weakness in myself,
Because I don't know how to be weak.
But each day I'm learning.
I'm learning it's ok to be weak.
Just like it's ok to love myself, and let others love me.
I love myself enough, to love others right.
I'm hoping one day, people see the same for them.
But for now, I feel most protected,
Behind my wall, not letting others know,
That I'm okay with myself and that being weak,
Is failure to be strong in all situations,
Which isn't okay with me.
But someday it'll happen,
Like sudden flash of light.
Everything'll change, and my mask that I've worn for years,
Will no longer be necessary.