Woke up and I couldn’t breathe, felt around in the dark but I couldn’t see… Everything just felt so empty, nobody there to help me. Stared at the ceiling seeing nothing at all; prayed to a God but I spoke to the wall. Listened to the screaming silence of the night, told my demons to go away but I didn’t fight. Hated the dark but I never turned on the light. Tears tore through my soul like hurricane; can’t remember the last time I wasn’t insane. There ain’t anyplace to escape my pain, I’m trapped in my brain, stuck in a cage of internal rage.
And if I was younger I woulda run away, but demons don’t disappear just cause you decide you don’t wanna stay, but I cant keep all these thoughts at bay.
My brain keeps saying things will never get better: it’s gonna stay this way forever and ever. Tells me I can fight, I can run; but at the end of the day what’s done is done. Dragging people down this rabbit hole. Watching as the world slowly destroys my soul: What is my end goal? Tired of trying - life’s taken its toll.
Im carrying the weight of so much sadness so much hate, contstantly in a debate; trying to decide what to do with my life; what is there to contmeplate? Everybody’s gonna die, how you gonna say it’s not my time? Suicide might be a crime, but living is a lie. Wear a fake smile and hope you don’t look me in the eyes: don’t want the world to see through my disguise.
I’ve got scars on my skin from all the wars I fought and didn’t win. I’d tell you my story but I wouldn’t know where to begin. Which is weird cause they say I’m good with words, paint a picture with a sentence… begging for some help while I talk bout independence. I hide things in a paragraph, disguise life with a laugh; i’d show you who I really am, but I dont know where she’s at.
I’m shivering but I aint cold. I’m still young but my heart is old, getting tired of doing what I’m told, what do they know bout pain? What do they know…
People see me with my sad eyes take it as permission to tell me lies. Like its ok, Just get through today, this is gonna fade away. But I’ve spent nine years trying to push past my tears, trying to ingore my fears, trying to slow down the gears, racing in my mind: I’m looking for a sense of peace I’m never gonna find. All this time, I’ve been telling myslef that I’m fine, that someday, somehow I’ma be fine.
The thing is I’m not ok, my will to live is gone, my hopes have run away. I’m all alone, ain’t got a home so I just lay here and toss and turn; watch as the ashes of my soul start to burn. I guess I’ll never learn…