Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I forgot why I wanted to write about you
But then again
I forget a lot of things nowadays
And the things that I want
Never make sense anymore
At least you made me want something

And so
When I saw a star
Dashing across the horizon
I wished I would see you again
Then for a second
A single second
I closed my eyes
And I could feel your hands in my hair
But it wasn't your hands
It was just the shallow wind
Like your desires
So when I kissed you
You left your eyes open
And when I asked you if I looked beautiful
Your answer was inaudible
Always too silent to hear
So you broke me
Or maybe I broke myself trying to fix you
And the sparks we created
Started a wildfire
One that I couldn't put out
Even after you left
So it burned the last broken pieces of me
The ashes swept away
In that shallow wind that feels like your hands

Maybe that's too deep for you
Too dramatic
But you liked the drama
Just not in my words
So I can't help but wonder
If my body was your chew toy
Simply because your other bitches were unavailable to play
Or wonder if you really meant to leave me alone with the responsibility of cleaning up the mess that we made together
Or wonder if you ever truly believed that we could bottle our sparks
Yet, no matter how much I want to hate you
I can't remember how
You taught me how to love
So I did
I loved every moment of us
Of you
But then again
I guess everyone loves the fireworks before they unexpectedly burst into uncontrollable flames

And until now
I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of writing about you
Because then you'd know I still think about you
That I still care enough to put my anguish down on paper
I'd be lying if I said I didn't
And maybe that was your goal
To twist my emotions around your relentless fingers
To toy with me
To get in my head
Or maybe getting in my pants was good enough for you
And you couldn't give a shit about my thoughts

So that shooting star I wished on
Disappears into the infinite collection of dim flickers in the night sky
And I'm just another diminished
Panty-less trophy
For you to stack against your wall with pride
Just another addition to your demonized collection

Well, no.
I still can't remember why I wanted to write about you
But I write about sad things
So maybe that's why
And no.
It's not sad because of the way you used me
It's sad
Because I know if I were to see you tonight
I'd run to you
And let you run your hands through my hair again
To feel that shallow wind again
As if I wasn't already burned enough
As if we didn't start a wildfire together.

And without love,

Your ex - Marissa DollyRose Smith

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