Wide Eyed and Carefree

When I was eight I met you,

I was friends with your little brother,

You were two years older,

But to me you were just another figure when I came over.


When I was 10 your brother and you moved away,

Him and I hugged while I cried losing a friend,

You walked up to me and gave me your email,

Making me promise to keep in touch,

You, the figure.


By the time I was 13 we talked everyday,

No longer on email but on KIK,

I hardly spoke to your brother anymore,

He became the figure while you became my friend,

Only you became more than that,

You became my fascination.


You were there for me when my boyfriend at the time cheated on me

With my best friend,

You were there when my mom and her boyfriend broke up,

Leaving me with an even more broken parent,

You were always there,

I was convinced you always would be.


After I turned 14 you confessed,

You said you loved me and always had,

You were envious of the time I spent with your brother,

That it sickened you how I barely noticed you when I was over.


At 14 I confused my feelings for you,

You were so happy,

I will never forget that look on your face,

It was the last time it looked so sweet and loving.


Once we started dating you started changing,

Granted you being two states away could’ve had something to do with it,

But that’s no excuse for what you did and said to me.


You became obsessed,

My every move, intent, and action,

Had to be reported to you,

You weren’t a boyfriend,

You were a dictator!


While I was shackled to my limited but allowed activities,

You were out partying, drinking, and smoking,

While I could never let a male name slide off my tongue,

You tangoed female’s after female’s off yours.


If I ever dared you question even who they are and how you know them,

You would explode into anger like a guilty man,

Accusing me of being suspicious and smothering,

Though I never accused you of anything and found any proof,

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be true.


During President’s Day weekend you ran away,

Only to be end up at my doorstep,

Claiming that you were here to visit a family friend,

But wanted to hang since you arrived early.


My heart was overjoyed,

It was the first time we’ve been together since you moved,

We sat on the couch and watched netflix,

Sometime during the third show you looked at me,

You leaned in and kissed me,

I almost pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming!


You’re kiss started so sweet and innocent,

Like kissing a baby hare,

Then it turned,

It became hard and harsh,

Demanding and forcing,

My dream became a nightmare.


You started to tug at my clothes,

Attempting to convince me to let you do more,

When I declined you shoved yourself off of me,

Started yelling at me,

Calling me a “tease”, a “whore”, and so much more that I can’t recall.


Tears streamed from my eyes and soiled my face,

My voice trembled for you to stop,

You laugh at my tears and grabbed your things,

Told me you’d be back later tonight,

Walked out and slammed the door behind,

I wished that night would never come.


Unfortunately it did,

You knocked at my bedroom window,

It was 11 at night,

You woke me from my attempt of sleep.


I didn’t want to let you in,

I wanted to scream “Go away and never come back!”

But my body wouldn’t listen,

Maybe it was because I didn’t get this attention from anyone else,

But I had a longing for you while I despised you.


You apologized from what you did earlier,

Claimed you had a fight with your mom before coming up,

And that was why you were so mean,

Cause I remind you of her.


Like a fool I believed you,

Oh how I just wanted to be loved,

And to be loved by such an attractive guy,

It made me feel invincible to anyone else but him.


We sat on my bedroom floor,

Scrolling on our phones and messaging my friend in the new group chat we made,

Youtube playlists played in the background,

You looked over at me,

You apologized again and leaned in closer,

I started to cry knowing I shouldn’t let you back in,

But I couldn’t help myself.


Our kiss was interrupted by your phone going off,

You’re brother was calling,

You refused to answer it and insisted on continuing,

I refused and grabbed your phone and answered,

Once your brother realized it was me he spoke at 100 miles per second,

When he said shattered my heart.


I hung up the phone and whispered for you to get out,

You asked, “What?”

I yelled it this time and screamed what I just was told,

“You ran away after your mom grounded you from coming home drunk! Are you stupid?!”

I wish I never allowed those words to slip from my mouth.


You raised your hand,


The right side of my face burned,

“Did you just hit me?” My voice trembled,

“I don’t know did it feel like this?”,


Before I could even touch where he just hit me,

He did it again, and again, and again,

Until I finally couldn’t take anymore,

I threw my fist up and connected with his nose.


Blood started to drip from his nose,

He winced when he touched his bridge,

His eyes filled with rage,

He started to walk towards me,

I scrambled for my phone and threatened to call the police

if you came closer and didn’t leave my house,

Luckily you were smart enough to listen and climbed out the window

And vanished into the night.


I’m now 17 and have learned what true love means,

After recovering from you I found love in someone new,

Someone who’s shown me that men can be gentle, kind, and loving,

Someone who’s been with me for 3 years

picking up the broken pieces whenever I fall apart and puts me back together.


Even though I’m Wided Eyed and Cautious due to you,

I’ve grown to learn that you were nothing but a lesson about what toxic

beings draw breath on this planet,

You’ve made me strong by showing me my weakest moments,

Though I never wish evil upon those who hurt me,

I hope karma hits you hard and soon.


This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741