Why I'll Never Know What Its Is Like To Love

I’ve never imagined myself growing up and getting old

My depression has taken over so much of my mind

It doesn't allow me to see anything past tomorrow

I was 10 the first time i really felt it

Coming home everyday and not wanting to eat or bathe or talk

Just to sleep, to not feel

To escape from everything around me and dream of any place that wasn’t here

I remember the first time you found out about me wanting to leave my physical shell

The look in your eyes knowing you were more mad about hearing it from someone else

Than me actually wanting to escape

How instead of teaching me ways to love myself, you taught me ways to hid

Your words slowly shattering the mirror within me

The biggest piece has always been that 11 year old girl

Begging for years to be let out

To finally heal

You have programmed me to hate girls who look like me

Who have the confidence i so desperately crave

How the happiness of a big girl is sloppy, unflattering, disgusting, ugly

Whatever of myself i have saw in them has become another broken piece in my puzzle

You say that i live to eat instead of eating to live

But my relationship with food is the most loyal one i’ve ever been in

How it is there for me and satisfies me whenever i need it

How it has never let me down

I have lost count of all the times i’ve wanting to let go

How many suicide notes i’ve written

Not wanting to die is hard work

And i am just the lazy mess you always claimed id be

At 12 years old you met my best friend and didn’t even know it

You raised and took care of her in only a way you could

She took my place, and you all enjoyed her with no realization of my absence

And she’s been here ever since

You speak with the shadow of me i left in my wake for your amusement

To be your odd child as you put it

The one who absorbed all of your insults and jokes about who i am

She was braver than i could have ever been

When the dread of middle school had fallen,

I thought high school would be smoother

How nonchalant Alijah made it look

At 13 I was jealous of how easy she flowed through life

How you limited your insults on her because she could take them and bite back

How everything was always about her and her achievements

How for once i wanted to be the one you bragged about

On culmination day i was so excited to finally have both of your attention on me

That even though it was just a simply culmination day

You finally had something to brag about for me

But we couldn’t even get to something as simply as a dinner together without you arguing

I blamed it on myself

Maybe i was asking for to much

Maybe i just wasn’t meant to be the star child

I always thought it was ironic how much love i give out but it never seems to be any left for me

In high school i made friends who matched my shattered soul down to a T

But i could not bring myself to continue to add to their misery

At 14 i found myself being a maternal figure to a 16, 14, and 15 year old

Figuring if i couldn’t help myself than i could help someone else who needed it more than me

I learned so many tricks to repress myself more and more

I have gotten so lost in the fantasy version of me

I can’t even tell whats real anymore

I realize i don’t even want to

In February of 2015 i met the first boy who ever showed real interest in me

Though he had issues, he was the kindest boy id every met

But he told me he loved me and i realized i didn’t feel anything for him

And at 15 i discovered i could never grow genuine feelings for anyone

I am infatuated with humans

But i have never been able to reflect the love i am shown back

How frustrating it is to know that i will never truly love my soulmate

How i don’t receive those genuine emotions of the heart

How i all i can write about is the love i cannot truly give

I became known at school as the girl who was always laughing

Talking and smiling as much as i could

Because my pain was too great to do anything else

Funny how pain works that way

On the day of my 16th birthday party i told you i liked girls

How i had been carrying this burden since i was 11

Not know if my sexuality was a victim of my circumstance

I remember feeling your disgust as you responded

How you were quick to tell everyone

All the jokes that followed

How my sexuality became your punch line

How i’ve never been comfortable with it since

So i held my tongue on telling you i was pansexual

Afraid of becoming more of your freak child, the disgrace

The child who would take anything anyone threw at her

Instead of seeing me as the child with the big heart

I told you i was no longer Christian

And that same feeling of disgust crawl down my spine as you gave your response

How i was never more ashamed of how much i disappoint you  

I realized i needed to get away

To go somewhere so i didn’t feel like i was always suffocating

Always drowning in punch lines, fake happiness, and tears

And at 17 Clark Atlanta University was my ticket

I never felt so happy when you called to tell me i got accepted

It was like the weight of everything was finally lifted

I could be thousands of miles away from everything

Away from myself

It was an accident that i discovered my lifestyle

But i’ve never regretted it

It was like i got a chance to reinvent myself

The way i wanted, the way that felt right

I’m never was as happy as i am when i can truly be me

Free of judgement, hate, and fear

I have new meaning in myself

In my mind set, my confidence

I started school and everything fell into place

I felt a freedom from my depression like no other

I was excelling in school, i was doing great things for myself

I found a will to do things i never thought i could

I finally saw my future

The universe was rooting for me

But then i came home for Christmas

I was finally legal and had a genuine relationship with my sister and i was happy

The sound that i heard when your bedroom door flew open

Is a sound that has yet to stop ringing in my ear

The pain in my chest as my anxiety skyrockets whenever i hear a loud noise

Or when something falls on the floor

It’s a pain i would never wish upon anyone else

I thought calling it PTSD would make it too real, too raw

When all i want to do is forget, just like everyone else

But the way my heart violently beats whenever i relive that moment...

Reminds me that my mind will never allow me to forget

Never allows me to heal

And i am back to square one

How can one moment erase 7 years of progress?

7 years of pain, blood, and tears

7 years of healing myself

7 years of glueing all the shard and pieces to my mirror

Funny how pain works that way...isn’t it?

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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