Why I Don't Say I Love You

Every time I want to say that I love someone I swallow the words like a pill, not because that person is not deserving, or because my words would not be genuine, but rather that I have loved many and proclaimed many that I love them, just to have them look me in the eyes and say they love me too. Yes, that sounds like a dream but it is not a dream when they lie to your face and then walk away without any explanation and all you can hear is the echoing of their words and soon you’ll forget the sound of their voice, but those words, you will never forget them.

So I swallow down my words, because I want to show everyone I love how I love them, because words can never show someone how much you care, not the way actions can. I can say I love you all day long, but it won’t compare to the way I stand by your side for years at a time. Or the times I surrender my birthday to take you to a concert just because they wrote our song. And darling, I see the ways your eyes light up when I do those little things and even if they happiness doesn’t last, I know in those moments that you know that I love you. That despite the toxins that might burn in our cheeks when we scream about the little things, because we really are questioning the bigger things, like why your eyes don’t light up as much anymore, that deep down in your soul there is a spot that sees what I do for you and that part loves me.

Somedays I sit and I wonder, if she makes your heart race like I did, or if she sacrifices a fraction of what I sacrificed for you. Lately the epiphany has dawned on me what you do does mean more than what you say, and what you did was lie, and walk away when I needed you most. You let me tell you where the weakest parts of my heart were and all you did was let me down. When I sacrificed my birthday to take you to hear our song, like you begged, you got mad at me for not being to afford to buy you a t-shirt, when I gave up my family to spend time with you, you told me I was too needy. When I begged for you to love me and to keep fighting to make us work, you left without explanation, completely voiding all the times you swore up and down that you loved me.

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