1. i’m not used to being this sad anymore

it’s like a distant relative that i once was very close to

until i realized that that relationship was toxic

and it took all of my strength to cut them off

these days i can’t stand the sound of their voice anymore

unlike how i was once unable to stand my own

2. a year passes and it’s the annual family reunion

i haven’t seen them since the last one

they take a seat next to me and say

“we have so much to catch up on”

and although i turn my body away,

prepared to ignore their words

a part of me still listens and

i don’t know why

3. i tell myself i’m engaging in the conversation to be polite

i’m simply entertaining them until they leave me alone

but they keep whispering things that i haven’t heard in so long

that i can’t help but be interested

they tell me, “i’ve missed you so much,”

without thinking i say, “i’ve missed you too,”

and i find that i mean it

4. we become close again

they inspire me to write more

my writer’s block is suddenly gone because

how could i have writer’s block when there is just

so much sadness to write about?

5. their voice is my favorite song

and mine is the broken guitar string and off-beat drum

6. i suddenly remember every little thing

i used to hate about myself

7. my lips my nose my hair my skin my hands

my mind my body my heart and soul

8. i’m not used to being this sad anymore

but again when they tell me they’ll come over tomorrow

i answer, “please do,”

and i find that i mean it

9. i’m not used to being this sad anymore

a part of me understands why i’ve missed it

10. i’m not used to being this sad anymore

my art journal gets filled to the brim and

my laptop runs out of space from all of the sad poems i write and

why are creators driven by destruction

why do i insist that beauty must originate from sorrow

why can’t it come from a new beginning instead

1. i block them everywhere

1. i change the locks on the doors

1. when i am asked if i’m going to the annual family reunion this year i politely decline

1. i make no apologies and no excuses

1. anything can be a new beginning if you allow it to be

1. i’m not used to being this sad anymore

i don’t think i want to get used to it again