Why I Am Lonely

I can be alone in a lively place. I don't know why. I can be surrounded by my friends, And feel like I'd rather be alone. That's not good. I am as extroverted as they come, And being with people should make me feel alive, Not wishing I wasn't here. I don't know why. Is it because they talk about things I don't care about? Funny memes, dumb texts, music videos, old jokes, goofy people, silly stories about what they did yesterday, bad hair days, $6 lattes... I just don't think they're funny. Why don't I? Everybody else seems to. Is something wrong with me? Am I too smart to laugh at dumb jokes? Am I too proud? I think it's shallow to spend $6 on Starbucks coffee. I think it's shallow to spend $20 a week on fast food, When your parents would still feed you at home for free and you could save your money. Do you know what that money could be used for? Do you know how many people are scraping the bare earth for survival right now? It's not that I don't buy fast food. I do occasionally. Should I? It's not that I think my friends are stupid. Some of them are honors students. But do they really have a clue? "Well then, Sarah, what do you want to talk about?" How about what it's like living in Korea? Let's speak Spanish. Teach me something. I don't know what an enthamime is. Tell me. Let's discuss the historical prophecies in the Hunger Games. Let's debate a fine point of Christian religion. Explain to me your political views, and I'll tell you mine. We can argue over it, just for fun. Let's see how far we can go. It's not because I hate you. It's because I think best when my thinking is challenged. Capitalism or socialism? Truth or decentered universe? Show me a calculus problem. Blow my mind. Paint a picture for me about your semester in Spain. Let's rant about how entitled the humane society is, Or how American voters could change the whole country overnight but don't, Or the selfishness of man. I will stay up all night to expostulate the evils of consumer society, Or dissect the world's religions, Or whether abortion is wrong. But I will not even stay to the end of the party if all you talk about is jokes and your new trendy clothes. If that's what you talk about, you don't know me. Do you even care about me then? Do you notice when I leave? Or do you keep talking about your girlfriend's bad selfies? Do you care about each other? Do you ever talk about anything that matters? If one of us was considering suicide, would you even know? Would you even know? That's how I feel alone at a party. More alone than if I were in bed with my laptop, writing about things that matter. I'm tired of being alone. I'm worried that if I make friends with adults I'll be "sketchy." Is it because I'm smarter than everyone else? I hate to assume that. That's mean. Is it because I'm too proud to laugh at dumb jokes? I just don't think they're funny. Is it because I'm the oldest in the group now? Even when I was younger, I thought they were shallow. I have always thought they were shallow. I can't go to them with the problems on my heart. I can't ask for prayer for issues with a boy I might like. (They'd jump straight to shipping, and that's not what I'm looking for.) I can't tell them my struggles with Jesus. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Emotional connection. Intellectual challenge. Are they shallow? Or are they just different from me? Are they getting their emotional needs met from the empty camaraderie? Are they exercising their brains with common internet wit? All I know is I am lonely even though I am surrounded by people who would miss me if I died. What do I do?

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