Who am I?

Michael: My thoughts float like garbage in a sewer and cluster.

They gather in a pool of wants, worries, concerns and deadlines.

Soon these woes seep into my thoughts and build a certain uneasiness.

Loneliness has clouded my ability to expel this contamination that seems to surround me.

I keep to myself in a place I call home.

Home, a place of comfort and oneness right.

Wrong.

Without the children what of the playground, without teachers what of the classroom and without the family what of the home.

It only becomes a place of discomfort and loneliness.

A place I use to have fond memories with others changes into my own personal prison.

Intro: What is insanity? Is it the whole notion of doing the same action over and over and expecting a different result? True insanity is believing that same action is different each time, expecting a different result, when in reality each one is the same. As a person isolates themselves from the people who are there to support them, this trap becomes unavoidable.  A person’s grip on sanity can begin to weaken to a point where we lose sight of ourselves. When in this state of confusion, it is often better to admit defeat and allow others to support you, then fall deeper into the depths of insanity.

Who am I? An original

M: I’m a prisoner who’s forced to occupy this home turned jail cell from when school ends at 2:55 to whenever my body gives up its fight against sleep.

I look at my prison cell, computer, keyboard, homework assignments and all, with eyes full of doubt and hesitation.

Work has become a journey I can’t see the end of.

And, without even thinking, I find an escape, the oh so accessible internet video or social media post.

This siren takes me off the path of success and achievement by teasing me with images of my secret wishes and desires.

First luring me in, then leaching off my energy, my time and my willpower.

My strengths are its next meal and they are ready to feed.

Once I’m under her control, I’m flushed away to wherever she so chooses to take me.

It was my sanctuary where deadlines, loneliness and roadblocks would melt away into joy and laughter.

Every distraction was a guilty pleasure, addiction, drug that with each dose is a temporary escape from everything including myself.

But soon enough I’d become, a vessel with only enough energy to move from webpage to webpage

Just when I thought I could escape my jail cell.

The illusion would disappear, the video would end.

I’d be propelled back into reality, propelled back onto my desk, sitting there wondering where all the time had went.

Realizing this, I searched harder for another liberation from the still ever present task at hand

This cycle of deceit, continued until I was a zombie craving reprieve, knowing no relief but of the drug it knew all so well.

Was I this weak that I couldn’t handle doing my homework alone?

I had been better before hadn’t I?

This didn’t happen just once but it continues to happen each day after wretched day.

Every day I come home I fall into the same trap, the same paradox of what to do when what feels right is just an illusion.

Crazy: IM NOT AN ILLUSION AM I MICHAEL?

M: Then it was just me there again.

Tired confused and alone.

Tired before I had even begun to work.

Confused because I didn't know where to go.

And alone... Alone because that was just the way things were… just the way things were huh?

C: OR IS IT?

M: Loneliness, the most basic way of living.

Without people I begin to wonder.

Who is this musician who seems to keep playing the same sad song over and over again?

The person I thought I knew seems to fade away when he’s alone for so long.

I’ve become so weak, so powerless against this never ending cycle. I don’t know how to fight this.

But even if I do, where do I go? There still so much I need to do! Where do I run? Back to those distractions?

It’s still just going to be me.

C: I’M ALWAYS HERE MICHAEL, LET ME OUT.

M: How do I fix this?

C: YOU CAN’T MICHAEL, YOU CAN’T!

M: What is this? What is this?

C: I’M ALWAYS HERE MICHAEL.

M: No no. I’m better than this. I can. I can. I can.

It wasn’t just my environment that had me trapped.

My desperation for contact with others was an act in itself.

There were means to talk with others yet somehow I’d always been to hesitant to voice my woes.

Why would I want to be a burden on others, right?

I’d always been looking through a one way mirror, I could see the happiness of others.

But no one could see the misery in me.

But when I did find someone, the conversations always left me wanting better answers.

They were finishing all the work that I had been trying to find a reason to start.

My attempts to voice my worries always seemed to take a backseat to their obligations.

There was a certain aching feeling, when a spoke with people.

The aching feeling to let free the flood gates, full of fears and worries, after too too many rainy days.

But the gates were locked shut by anxiety and doubt.

I couldn’t accept my regret or anguish so why should I let someone else attempt to pry them out.

Why should I attempt to share anything I felt, when I had never known such kindness.

All I wanted someone was someone to take me away.

Keep me company or keep me from myself.

A true relief, not the false promises of entertainment.

My struggle is a rock climb without any rope.

No one to catch me.

No one to support my ascent up this unclimbable face.

No one to pick me back up when all I know how to do is fall.

Just me. Only me.

Where were they when I needed them?

It was clear to anyone that I wasn’t alright.

They hadn’t cared about me had they?

C: DID THEY EVER?

M: Others talked about what they felt, but that just wasn’t me. THAT ISNT US MICHAEL.

Why did this happen to me.

C: BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE A FREAK, MICHAEL.

M: Why am I so weak?

C: LET ME HAVE CONTROL.

M: Is this what I’ve become? Just a pile of woes and self-pity. This can’t be me, this isn’t who I am? C: WHAT ELSE WOULD WE BE?

M: Life is truly lonely, isn’t it?

Even if I try to explain myself, ultimately can anyone truly understand who I am?

Understand what it feels like to have something inside you, always there.

Always ready to destroy you.

All of us will go through being alone, but loneliness is something you can never experience with another.

Other forms of torment can be alleviated by another, but not this one.

This truth is a never ending siege on my sanity.

My own personal war against an army with never-ending reinforcements.

Every day I’m attacked, every day for weeks I’ve been fighting this war alone.

Weekends are even worse.

Without the people I see during school, I start each week weaker than the last- there is no end.

As my willpower and confidence, strengths I used as defense against this behemoth began to falter, I have begun to lose my grip on SANITY itself.

Even if I was to fight today, what’s the point?

He’s always going to be there.

A victory today didn’t mean I wouldn’t just wave the white flag tomorrow.

There is no end to this is there?

Why am I the only one who feels so weak all the time.

Why did he choose me to torment?

C: YOUR NOT SPECIAL MICHAEL.

M: I need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright, just to tell me that I’m not alone in this

C: NOT COMPLETELY.

But they didn’t needed me. So so why should I need them. YOU DON’T NEED THEM MICHAEL

We don’t need them do we? Just me…

(Sings to tune of Goldmund’s “The Winter of 1539-1540”)

C: Exactly. Everything you’ve created it’s all gone. Let me have control. Let it go and do as you please

M: Why didn’t they just understand, where is everyone?

C: What do they care what we’ve become. Were just a freak show waiting for the next act.

M: I can’t be, please just leave me alone.

C: We’ve done this to our self-there's nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide from it all and you know it.

Insanity is fun it’s like a game. A game with no rules or boundaries. Just whatever I want. It’s not like you don't like it, you just need to let it in. Once I’m here I’m never leaving . OOOOH looky here I wonder what this feels like.

M: What!?! What are you

C: You know it’s always looked a little wild what would it feel like?!! Just a quick jab to the chest and its all over .

M: NO. no this isn’t me. This isn’t me.

C: Of course it is just let it go.

M: NOO no. I have to get out of here there has to be somewhere I can go.

C: There is no escape. DO you really think there isn’t a place I can’t find you!?!

M: Please get out of my head. Just leave me alone. please, please.

Person: Michael?

M: yes?

P: Are you alright?

M: No, no I’m not alright. Can you, can you help me?

P: Yeah what happened? I’m here.

M: I’ve been gone too long. Too long. Nobody was there. Nobody, Nobody. It was just me.  Please just take me away from this. There’s been too much, and I cant, I cant I cant uhuh uhhuh uh.  I’ve been alone please just take me away. Please. Please.

C: I’LL NEVER LEAVE MICHAEL THEIR IS NO ESCAPE!

P: I’m here Michael I’m here I’m here. Look at me.

M: what.

P: I’m here. hmm

M: Thank you.

What is insanity? Is it that whole notion that doing the same thing and expecting something different to happen. I believe that but there’s another part of that truth that hasn’t been told. Because I believe true insanity is when you expect something different because you believe you are doing something different, when in reality you are doing the exact same thing. Stuck In a cycle of destruction build from wasted time and distant friends I thought each day was different. I believed that what I was doing would ultimately save me but it didn’t. It wasn’t till I stared insanity in the face that I changed my ways. And don’t let this tale tell you that you should let it boil down to that point. Don’t let the circumstances impede you from being who you are. There are times that you must accept that you’ve been pushed beyond your limits. It’s a struggle all of us face. The want to give in when all seems lost. There is always a point where you can get back and forge a new path. To greener pastures. People around you are there for only so long please appreciate them and they will take the pain away. People can understand just don’t stop trying to find that person. They will be your savior to keep the darkness at bay.

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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