I look at myself and all I see is failure.
Failure to support my family,
Failure to finish school,
Failure to participate in a healthy relationship,
Failure to be myself.
Sure, everyone suffers from fear of failure.
But to me; it is all so different.
Failure defines who we were, who we are, and who we will become.
I don’t want to be associated as a failure,
I don’t want people to look at me and see nothing but disappointment.
I don’t want to be a person who sits around by themselves doing nothing.
But then again, what if I can’t succeed?
Being a failure is who I am. A failure is the exact person I have set myself up to be,
A person without goals or achievements, someone who has to google "how to tell jokes" to be funny.
I’ve become the very person I used to make fun of as a kid,
I used to think I would be successful, that every day I would have tons of friends to hangout with and that one day, I would be prom queen,
I used to think that I would be valedictorian and be the one in my town every single person aspired to be,
I used to think that I would be the most successful person in my class,
I used to think that all my life I would be aiming for perfection,
But now that I’m here, I see the way that I have failed.
I see how little friends I have, and the miniscule amount of love they have for me, if I were to ever disappear, they would never notice;
I see the way I can burrow into my own little hole and be completely content just lying there alone,
I see the way I failed my parents by being an average student and going to an average school,
I see the way I have destroyed my relationship with my sister and that it can never be repaired,
I see the way people look at me in disgust because I’m so fat that my legs shake to carry my own weight,
I see the way I have failed myself and every single part of my soul.
I don’t want to be a failure…
But then again, who am I if I can’t succeed?