What I've Said Is Who I Am



Why must we put a label on a picture that has nothing

but a fake smile and good lighting?

Because behind the raised eyebrows and the plastered grin on our face

there is a person who has scars instead of smiles, 

and is scared to step out of the shadows that allows a safety blanket of grainy pixels

to cover our insecurites in the form of an instagram post.

Maybe if we promise the media that our photo is nothing but original, 

we can believe that the fake lighting and the angle of the camera

has nothing to do with the seemingly beautiful person who is smiling back at us.

Because without the reassurance that there is nothing veiling our identity

maybe we can convince ourselves that that person who got 56 likes

is really me.


Because God forbid someone were to see me

as the student who cries herself to sleep at night,

because she got a 71% on her calculus exam; 

or the girl who suffers from anxiety attacks

because I don't know what I want to do with my life, 

or what will make me happy, 

but I know it's not this.

I'm not just a blonde girl who maintains a weighted 3.866 GPA

and excells in her AP Literature and Composition class.

I am a person who struggles with their confidence

and drowns out her feelings with ink while never opening my mouth

to voice how hurt I am that you called me



I tend to excape through novels and adventures, that I know I will never experience, 

and have knack for lighting candles when I'm sad

because at times it's the only light I can see.

I drive aimlessly throughout town

because the only time I feel like I'm going in the right direction

is when I don't know the difference between east and west, 

or whether I'm going to make it home in time 

before curfew.


Because behind the freckles and the pefect eyeliner,

I'm the girl who moved across the country twice in five months

just because I wanted to find home. 

But I came to the conclusion that, for lost souls like mine,

home isn't a place,

it's a person,

and I haven't found them yet so I'll just keep looking.


Without the black and white edit you couldn't tell that

I am the fan who gets overwhelmingly attacted to fictional stories,

and has J.R. Tolkien's words etched permenantly in my skin; 

because if not all those who wander are lost

maybe my happiness is traveling the universe

and my satisfaction has no destination.


Autumn is my favorite season, not from the change in leaves,

but the chance at new beginnings; and ironically News Years is my saddest holiday

from the unaccomplished vows I swore to myself,

and the time that has slipped between my fingers.

While the land of "what if" is my nightmare,

and the library is my safe haven because each book

is a personalized ticket out from reality.


And maybe you don't care, maybe no one cares,

who I am behind the X-Pro edit but I do,

I care.

And I can promise you that what I've said is who I am,

and who I am is what I've said,

and that I won't be changing anytime soon.

So from now on,

maybe I should truly live by my own identity,

and classify my whole being as





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