I hate that just to function, just to be me,
I have to medicate myself every day.
I'm frustrated I cannot change my chemical imbalance,
that I can't just "snap out of it" and be myself, without alteration.
"You aren't you when you're depressed."
When I am taking my medication,
after the initial nausea fades away and reality becomes a beast I can once again wrangle,
my appetites are curbed, and my brain is cleared of all the foggy thoughts that weighed me down and of all the vivid feelings that lifted me beyond my bed,
and I feel like I lose my sense of self, and the entire concept of self.
Administered By Mouth.
I am simply a person handling situations, dealing with problems, resolving issues, one after another in an endless deluge of packed agendas and assignments.
And I enjoy that responsibility;
I revel in my ability to be productive.
But when faced with a lack of my daily medication,
I become fearful of the me I am when I am unmedicated.
I fear, were I to stop taking my medication,
I would stop being me, stop being in touch with the world,
stop being productive.
But once I have been off my medication for a while,
the world falls in around me and I delve into my own brain;
I find thoughts and emotions and dreams I never deemed possible in reality,
and I feel inspired, ecstatic to the point of inactivity.
And in this ecstasy, I am attuned to the universe, I am approaching the sublime.
So I am stuck in this eternal paradox, every morning as I hold the bottle in my hand,
every time I begin to medicate or run out of medication,
Medicate: be me, a part of the world and reality.
Don't medicate: be myself, a witness of the universe's sublimity.
Which is my truest self?
The most frustrating part of this paradox
is that I don't know whether the medication is a cure to my brain's disabilities
or a hindrance to my brain's fullest capabilities.
Do Not Chew or Crush.