Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore. They probably never did.

So the wedding came and the baby did too.

But Daddy had to deploy to Afghanistan, twice.

Maybe that’s why they never worked out.

Daddy came back with more anger and less control of it. Now Mommy got angry too.

So Mommy and Daddy just didn’t get along, so it was no surprise when he didn’t come home after that second tour.

Mommy said it was because they didn’t love each other anymore, but that didn’t mean they didn’t care about me.

After all, “We still love you.”

 

Then every other weekend, Mommy would drive me to the Texaco

Halfway between home and Lafayette

To watch me climb into Daddy’s truck and go away for the weekend.

Daddy would reach a hand around the leather seat to my knee,

"We still love you.”

 

 

I guess that's when I started to grow up.

 

 

“We still love you” doesn’t fix all the fights you continue to drag me into.

Sorry that I don’t think Mommy’s being a bitch.

No, I don’t think that Daddy is trying to make you mad.

I’m not your mediator, I am your daughter,

And I have been for the past 17 years. I’d think that you’d know that by now.

After all, that is your argument come every holiday and break.

You claim me like I’m some piece of furniture you can’t decide on who gets.

But I’m not made of stained cloth or scratched wood.

I have eyes and ears and

A heart that’s tired of being ripped in two.

 

 

The yelling and the fighting in the Texaco parking lot doesn’t feel like love.

Yet after every single fight,

You still tell me you love me and

I still don’t believe you.

I don’t accept your apology.

I don’t think you understand that

You don’t show love by throwing me in the middle of your arguments.

 

 

Mommy and Daddy’s issues are not my issues.

I did not make you get a divorce. You decided to separate.

Now you need to act like adults and

Settle your disputes civilly.

Maybe if you did that I would look forward to getting to see you

Instead of dreading the day it comes.

Don’t you see the issue in that?

Not even your own daughter gets excited to see you,

Instead, she’s filled with anxiety.

That’s why the car ride is silent,

I’m walking through landmines.

Funny how you used to do the same.

 

 

But I do want to thank you.

Thank you for your raised voices and your empty apologies.

I now know the importance of a level head and true intentions.

Thank you for showing me what not to do when I raise my kids.

I will never force them to see me because

I know what it’s like to resent the parent who made me do that.

Thank you for showing me how not to act around my children.

I will never scream at their father in front of them because any of our arguments

Are not between me and them.

Thank you for telling me that you still love me.

I will tell them that I love them

Because I won’t give them a reason to doubt that I ever did.