And for our first date,

I bought blue icing and cupcake batter

while he bought condoms

I still don't know how my teenage innocence fell in love with a man whose darkness was dreadfully determined to destroy me. 

I was so captivated by the songs he sang to me during the midnight rides to his house

That I did not notice the sounds of the skeletons in his trunk or the lust in his throat 

I did not notice the locked doors

No hinges

 

I stopped eating.

Meaning that I am shrinking,

I am shrinking so that you can sit comfortably 

big bellied and still hungry.

I am shrinking because you continue to consume everything that I am

I wish that I could shove two fingers down your throat,

but I’m scared of what all the pieces of me that you eat like midnight snacks look like now,

post pulverization,

drowned in acid.

I wish that I could shove two fingers down your throat,

but your stomach is the only home that I know.

 

Tonight

When his fists will make my eyes bloom purple poison ivy, again

I will wonder

If at my funeral they will blame you for pulling the trigger

Or me for never running

Me,

for not screaming louder

But I could never leave,

not even with my bouquet of bloody noses

or heart of heartache

because I,

Nonetheless

 

I love you