The Way I Am Now

To be honest
I don’t know who I am,
Or where I’m going,
Or what I want to do
For the rest of my life.

I get scared too easily,
And stress too much
And overthink the simplest of things
And worry
About every. Freaking. Thing.

I know who I was
This time last year.
But the years and days and minutes after
Are all a blur
Of the life I had imagined to live.

Maybe I want to go back-
Reverse time and be who I was
Before all this happened
And before all the pain and the sadness
Consumed my very being.

Maybe I want to go back
To last year
When all the suffering and torture
Swelled up inside my soul
And made me regret those things I did.

Maybe I want to go back
To this time last year
When I was vulnerable
But I was growing strong
In who I believed myself to be.

And maybe I don’t want to go back.
Maybe I want to stay in the present.
Maybe I’m so happy with who I’ve become
That I’ve forgotten all the pain
And the sadness, and the suffering.

To be who I am now
Is the hardest decision in my life.
The sadness I’ve known for so long
Is leaving
And I’ve never felt so lost.

But the me I am now
Is free
From the chains that suffocated me
And the self-inflicted torture
And the mocking and the ridicule.

And maybe I don’t want to go back.
Maybe I’m happy the way I am now.
And so what if I’m lost?
In this lost-ness, I’ve never felt so
Found.

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