everything

is finally starting to hit me

and i'm lost

i don't know how to deal with this

all at once.

i'm slowly losing myself;

i don't know who i am anymore

i'm struggling

yet i don't open up to anyone

... maybe it would help

but i just can't do it, i can't.

the old me seems so far away,

meanwhile she's right there

and for some reason i can't reach her,

i can't reach me.

i really want to grab ahold of myself

but it's as if my hands are bound behind my back

and i can't do anything but stare at my old self, right in front of me,

not being able to break free of my chains...

she's begun to slowly fade away each day.

she's almost see-through

i'm almost see-through

i beg and i scream 

for my chains to be taken off

so i can grab ahold of myself,

so i can be me again

but no one can hear my screams, my cries

and i'm scared that one day

i'll be staring at nothing, 

and that nothing will be me,

because my old self will have faded away,

never to return again.

she'll be gone for good; and i am the girl

that is slowly fading away in front of me.

and i know that there will be a new me,

after i fade away;

i don't want there to be a new me,

i just want to be myself again,

i want to be that girl who laughs at the stupidest of things, 

the girls who cried because she had laughed so hard,

because she was having fun.

i know,

that what i want,

i cannot have.

i know that it is certain, 

that i will never return as myself, 

as the girl who i had been in the past.

i know that there will be a new me;

it is inevitable, and whatever is inevitable

is not avoidable. 

it will happen...

i will happen.

i just don't know when.

all i know is that my cries and pleads

to be unchained... are useless.

they are fucking useless,

and because of that,

i am scared. i am scared

of who i will become,

because i am uncertain of who i will become.

i won't know this new girl,

that new girl is me.

i can't even recognize myself

because i'm afraid.

i don't want to know the new girl,

i want to know myself, i want to my old self again so fucking bad

to the point where it causes me pain.

who am i?

i can't answer that question

because i have no clue, i don't know.

i don't know her,

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF.

i am a total stranger to my own self.

how is that even possible, 

to be a stranger to yourself?

one thing remains the same;

will always remain the same...

is my name. 

my name is isabella, that is what i know about myself.

but i know nothing else,

maybe i am nothing else.

how would know what i am,

when i don't even know who i am?