The Unedited Preamble

“We the People of the United States,”

But not all of the people

Definitely not gays, lesbians, and bisexuals

Trans people can’t use the bathroom

Blacks still aren’t safe

Actually anyone from a different race isn't quite safe

And women still aren’t equal to men

So when you read “we the people” in the Constitution

You may be directed to

Chapter ‘Sorry’, section ‘Not’, subsection ‘You’

Unless of course you’re white, rich, straight, and male


“in Order to form a more perfect Union,”

The ‘perfect Union’ that we, the government, want

Because we don’t care what the people want

In fact, if you want to vote in the primaries

Or even the general election,

We’ll add superdelegates

Or divide the sections for the electoral college

Just so we get exactly what we want.

So you may think this is a good system,

But really we’re cheating you


“establish Justice,”

Except we don’t always do it fairly.

Ok, we agree that rapists are bad

But marijuana offenders are definitely worse -

At least in our books

So if you sexually assault someone

A few months is a good punishment

But you smoke some plant,

Man you just stepped out of line and we won’t stand for it!

Oh, and P.S.

Don’t forget chapter ‘Sorry’, section ‘Not’, subsection ‘You’

Because anyone listed here

Gets a way more serious punishment


“insure domestic Tranquility,”

The police

The good guys with guns

They protect you from the bad guys -

At least who they think are the bad guys

Sometimes they shoot people they think have guns

But really don’t

They were just trying to protect you

… from a threat that didn’t exist…

But it’s ok because we told them to watch out

Specifically for the people mentioned

In that chapter with the section and that one subsection

You know the one


“provide for the common defence,”

We’ll put in a lot of money into this one

We think it’s important

To have a great military

So we’ll spend about $600 billion on it

Because we’d rather fight people

Than spend money on stupid things

Like education

(We’ll just let our citizens drown in student debt)

Or health care

(We’ll just let our citizens die)

Because fighting others is more important

Than taking care of our own


“promote the general Welfare,”

I guess that means taking care of the people,

Like providing health care and food to everyone...

Sound too communist

Let’s make it impossible for poor people to get it

Gotta make money somehow


“and secure the Blessings of Liberty”

(Again consult the specific chapter with the section and the subsection)


“to ourselves and our Posterity,”

Because we care about future generations

We’re definitely NOT going to hate on them at all

Or tell them that they’re lazy,

Don’t amount to anything,

Don’t socialize enough,

Or give them any reason to think they have a bright future

Well, maybe we might


“do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”




Dear congress/President/government/ruler,

Whoever is leading this shitshow,

It’s us, “We the People”

You may know us better as the people

In that chapter with the section and the one subsection,

You know, the ‘Sorry’ ‘Not’ ‘You’ people

We know you’re trying your best

(We’re just being polite)

And there really are some good things about

The United States of America

(That’s actually true)

But we think that some things need to change

(A LOT of things should change)

We think you’re excluding some people here

(That’s putting it mildly)

So we were hoping that you might

Listen to what we have to say

(Like you ever really do…)

We don’t think it’s fair

So we’re putting our foot down!



Fuck you,



Chapter ‘Sorry’, Section ‘Not’, Subsection ‘You’


This poem is about: 
My country


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