(09/28/2019)

10:15pm

i think part of it has to do with my emotions being outta wack

and maybe the other part is me not believing you

i mean,

is it so hard to say no ?

or maybe it’s my brain

but i’ve been low

on 

energy,

and tolerance,

definitely patience

a little bit of trust

and a lot more of grace

but the Lord gives me favor

though i’m slacking on the daily

and my brain is slowly breaking

i might be reverting my own self

i don’t even know what help is anymore

got so few people to talk to 

i was always a 24hr open hotline

but when you needa nigga now he aint there

and you realize all along

that they were never there

you was just always there

so you feel like a burden

to be asking what you’ve been doing for others all along

and i’m sorry to tell you that they fake.

only gotta a couple real ones that actually give sound advice

and actually come back to check

because funny thing is,

they actually  care.

but i’m starting not too

but im starting to care more about him

because the difference between y'all 

the difference between us

is that his actions speak louder than his words

and his words align with his actions

and his actions are his current truth

but he knows it ain't the best
however who can ever be perfect

knowing i never asked for perfect

somehow he’s the closest thing to it

scratch the flaws and the inner pain

he tries for me

i did less

learning to do more 

(talking about him is helping my mind breathe)

sidenote: maybe i needed this poem

i digress 

but she said that this is a front for me

but i saw his demons

and i allowed him to take the sip even after witnessing them

i wouldn’t have been able to stop it

but i did say something

then he said something

but ion like the apologies

i really don’t know if there true

but i don’t doubt him

i believe he’s trying

but not hard enough

ain’t tryna change somebody though

when i got a whole forest stuck in my eye

poking into my brain

messing up my vision

giving me lucid thoughts

touching and untouching me from reality

calling my name

distracting my success

dragging me down the ladder

stepping on my toes

telling me to get back
 

if my ancestors hadn’t fought for me,

i’d be a lazy brained hard working field nigger

and he’d be prolly

finessing the system,

i feel like he was born before his time

he knows the truth

but our talks haven't been that deep

and his time, i mean my time, no,

he was born in his time

we got about, almost, 4 years in the making

and so that means his time

but we living in this time

and the worlds going to fall apart as we watch it

and i feel by that time

 (it’s coming soon !)

i’m not going to care

(because guess what ?!)

i already don’t -

unbelievable !