I am a kaleidoscope

an equasion

a Fibonacci spiral, going deeper and deeper

more complex and colorful than even I can understand. 

I dig deep within myself and search

through piles of cool, cold facts and structured thoughts

for something of substance.

I search

by drawing what I think the real me looks like 

by writing the way I think she sounds

by singing

hoping my deeper self will hear the music

and glide out

to dance with me.

She is there 

I feel her stirring, and I long to become her

this beautiful creature

with long hair and a confident smile

and a presence that permeates 

and penetrates the darkest places 

of herself.

It digs deep within her

to where I am

hiding. 

she envelops me

seeps from inside my core

to remind me who she is.

who I am.

I am her.

we are one.

different parts in struggle and strength. 

Sometimes I remind myself who I really am:

I am lovely

I am an intricate

beautiful

two sided 

mess.