Two Questions to my Lost Love

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 12:38 -- palm1ma

Would you come back to me

if I had told you what I’ve done?

because the things I have done since you last saw me

would shock even you

because you think I’m still the same girl

that you fell in love with

that girl who said things about anger

and morals that she wouldn’t change

but now

that anger I have tried to hide for so damn long

awakened like some mythical beast

that used to scare me when I was a small child

because I know that it will be my fists

covered in blood

which put the person who pushed me too far

in a room with blue sheets

and walls so white

its like the color that his skin turns

from needing machines to breathe for him

for far too long

and those morals

that you thought you once knew

have changed so fast

that I don’t even know where they went

I was so afraid of falling back

into the dark corner that I lived in

way back before you ever knew me

Well, I’m running back to it with open arms

drinking night after night

looking for that fight

or looking for that one time fuck

because sleeping besides someone I’m not seeing

is no longer an issue in my mind

Because I got burned

by the one time you went and fucked that girl

in the bed that we made

And I ask

Would you still say you missed me

If I told you what I’d become?

because while you knew me, so long ago

people change over time

but it wasn’t even that long ago since I held you tight

protecting you from the horrors of your mind

by whispering sweet nothings to you in the middle of the night

when your dreams had you screaming in fright

I’m not the same person you knew

I hide behind my camo jackets

my reflective sunglasses

and that backwards ball cap that you loved me in

showing off my dominance and strength to the world

a mask

trying to hide the fact from the world

that I am walking wounded

I’m a ticking time bomb

because you hurt me so much

I’ve lost track of my emotions

like a pirate loses track

of his buried treasure

with no map to guide him back to it

I’ve lost track of these emotions

and I don’t know when they are going to combust

and when they do

I find myself  on the dangerous side of a

Chicago freeway overpass

but I have never been able to let go

because

as I watch the cars pass below me

I tell myself I’m

done wasting energy on you

and I tell myself I’m going to bury you

in the marching band field

that my feet grace almost every single day

creating the patterns that I’ve memorized

just like I had memorized the way that your eyes looked at me

when we reunited after being away from each other

But I choose not to remember that anymore

I choose not to feel anything

I choose not to reminisce on anything that we felt

I choose not to remember what we did together

because I am tired of having

that one police officer

who knows my family

try to talk me off the ledge

because it seems to be increasingly harder

for him to pull me back

to the reality of pain

that I live in

because that final flame of emotions and preservation

keeps getting smaller

unlike how much

I cared about you

but you took everything I gave you and threw it aside

so that you could have the instant gratification

of having someone to warm your bed every night

and whisper sweet nothings into your ear

to fight away the ghosts of your fright

and I after we broke up

I realized

I was always a robot

because I could never understand emotions

like I can’t understand quantum physics

or how to solve a rubiks cube with its

42 quintillion something possibilities

because I swear to you

emotions have more possibilities than that

it would be so much easier

if someone wrote an encyclopedia

on emotions

because fewer people would get hurt

by a robot

who’s once human heart

was replaced with a ticking time bomb

because when that time bomb goes off

it is a game of chance

and it is so hard to know

who else might go down with you

 

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