Trauma

Flashbacks play in the back of my mind,
Maybe sometimes I pretend I don't care.
I know this isn't ever going to be fair,
But it's hard to remember how everyone went blind.
No one noticed the sudden behavior change.
Not a single person noticed or even realized what happened.
I was the one scared to speak up so why did I feel abandoned?
I didn't I speak up about someone I trusted inviting their dirty hands onto my body
Yet I pushed the ones who love me in fear of getting my hands bloody.
I blamed myself without ever realizing it wasn't my fault.
I carried it on my chest like a ton of bricks, and I allowed it again later on.
I allowed myself to be abused just because I thought it was okay to be walked-on. 
I never learned to love myself because I was told there was nothing to love.
I never learned to love myself because I felt their fingerprints printed on my skin.
The one that made me hate my very existence made me believe I was a living sin.
The same one who did so made me lose so much respect for myself​ I thought I was a toy.
I let myself believe for so long that no one could love me that I was scared to hear the words.
Every compliment felt as if someone was behind me cutting me with sharp swords.
I couldn't accept a compliment without thinking there was pity behind it.
I only wanted to be loved and all I ever got was pain so of course I was afraid.
I always wanted to let myself drown to keep myself from being betrayed,
But if no one was wanting to do so why did I hurt myself on my own?
I don't know why I thought it was okay to want to die at just eight.
I don't know why I am so scared to be dominated or to dominate.
I will never know why I couldn't love myself or stand up for myself.
I don't know why I ever allowed myself to be taken advantage of and shattered.
I don't understand why it's okay to leave shattered and then scattered,
Leaving pieces of me, in the memories but also everywhere I go.
I will never understand why I can hate myself more than the people who hurt me.
I don't know why I choose to lie when someone asks if I'm okay if I hate dishonesty.
I don't know how I can love and hate myself all at once, it's hard.
I want to be okay but maybe I just wasn't born for this.
Is it ridiculous that I can only recharge with true love's kiss? 
I don't even know if this love is true but it brings me to life. 
His very existence makes all the terrible things seem like they were worth it.
He makes it seem okay to be terribly unfit,
For the world we live in but as long as he's there maybe I'll be okay.

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