Think of me

 

When he touched you, I hope you closed your eyes. I hope you escaped reality and imagined you were in a beautiful place. Pain, anxiety, and terror dissolving as your mind conjures the most wondrous and happy place your innocent five year old mind can think of. My brave little butterfly. I hope that dark, disgusting, dank room melted away and in your mind, you were somewhere else. Where green grass grows and there are fields of buttercups, your favorite flowers, and the sky is blue and the sun is warm on your sweet smooth skin, and you are surrounded by your loved ones, like me. Where a heartless, depraved bastard like this man touching you could never live, because dirty filth belongs in places like this rotten basement. But not you. You are so much better than this. You have barely had a taste of life and it kills me that now, when you close your eyes and your imagination takes you away, you may not picture the beautiful places we have been to, the amazing animals you have seen, your family smiling as they push you on the swing set and catch you at the bottom of the slide. No, this moment, the several moments it happened will creep into the dark corners of your mind and drip like poison through your thoughts. If I could , I would erase, destroy, eliminate terminate the wretched images in your mind, oh God I hope you closed your eyes when it happened. I hope you somehow escaped the moment, a defense mechanism we all must use to get through the inevitable dark moments of this life. But why should a child so young have to learn to escape reality and deal with nightmares, crying in the dark hours of night? As you grow older, you become pessimistic and cold as the world beats you down and rips you apart limb by fucking limb. But at such a young age, my precious girl should be excited for what life has to offer. She should be able to lay her precious head to sleep and dream sweet, not relive the terror every night. Now when you close your eyes, your mind will be a scary place. I would take the pain and bear it tenfold if it meant you could hold on to that childhood innocence a little longer. I hope you focused on a good memory when you were violated, to keep your mind off the present situation. My brave little sweetheart. I’m afraid to call you sweetheart because that’s what that man used to call you, his cute little sweetheart. The police officers also called you sweetheart as you bravely told them what happened and drew pictures of the incidents. The one bright thing about this, the candle in the darkness, is that we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, he is being locked up and you are being treated. This will never happen to you again. You are so strong, to deal with this and wear that beauitul sparkling smile on your face. As I break down over it, you tell me you aren’t scared. You tell me, why would I be scared? He’s just my grandpa. Your tough spirit inspires me, you are the light in the darkness.  I will fill you up with so many sweet, fond memories that there will be no place for bad thoughts when you close your baby blue eyes. This can never happen again because that bastard is gone. I love you, babygirl. Think of me instead of what happened when you close your eyes.

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