Ten Things I Want to Say to My Best Friend

1)  I love you. I love you like a sister, like a crazy aunt, and sometimes even like you’re my lesbian lover, when you’re in the mood to piss off your grandmother. I love you…. But…

2)  You left. You moved away and left me here. You left me completely alone. No one to talk to. No one to turn to. You left me here to defend myself against this harsh world with nothing but my biting sarcasm, and my hard shell of skin. You left me. I know that you had no choice.

3)  I miss you. I miss the smell of the pumpkin rolls that your mother used to bake - you know I never actually got the recipe from you, now that I think about it. I miss the plate of greasy chow mein that we used to get from the swap meet, every Saturday morning… I haven’t been there since you left. I miss the Just Dance 3 competitions, and the all night Zelda marathons. You gave me one of your Game Cubes - but I still don’t have any games for it. I miss you. But…

4)  You haven’t spoken to me since September, the fourteenth to be exact, at 9:50 p.m. I know because I still have the messages saved. Do you? Do you remember how we spent nearly every single day together? Do you remember New Years Eve? We were beyond drunk, playing Just Dance 3, and at the stroke of midnight, we went outside to light firecrackers. I don’t know why your parents thought that was a good idea, but hey, that’s why we spent every weekend at your house, and then your trailer, and then your new house, and then your trailer again, and then your apartment - your family never could settle down. Do you remember the GSA Formal? I asked if you would be my alibi, you said only if you could go as my date, I said only if I could kiss you in front of everyone. We danced the night away, and when we finally got back to the trailer we collapsed on your bed. We didn’t even change. Do you remember that? I still have the photos…

5)  But guess what - you’ve missed quite a lot in your absence. I turned 17. I finally own a leather jacket - are leather jackets still cool? Your ex and I are still friends. He told me he likes me. I was shocked. He was shocked that I could be so clueless. I told him that I am a lesbian. He was shocked. I was shocked that he could be so clueless. Victor works at the school now. In the library. Terrell actually graduated - I know, it’s amazing isn’t it? Junior left for basic training, and the last thing that he said to me was, “Bye! I’ll see you in seven months!” I didn’t even know how to respond… Zeke sucks at defending the wall.

6)  What have I missed? Your brother moved in? Your brother moved into the room that was supposed to be mine? My room? What does Martha think of him? How’s Molly? How are your parents? What do you spend your time doing - who do you spend your time doing? Who do you hang out with? How was Warped Tour? How was your summer? Does Padre still take you to random stores whenever he gets bored? Do you still walk Martha every night? Do you think of me at all? Do I cross your mind? Why won’t you talk to me?

7)  I hope that you’re happy. I hope that “Fuck” - excuse me, “Fouke”, Arkansas, is as wonderful as it sure doesn’t sound. I hope that Padre and Sancha stay together. I hope that they don’t drive each other crazy. I hope that they don’t drive you crazy. I hope that you and Dylan, or you and Kyle, or you and whatever-his-name-is are happy together. I hope that you are comfortable. I hope that he’s nice. I hope that you’re nice. I hope that you are happy.

8)  I am happy, or at the very least, I am not unhappy. I have made new friends. I have new hobbies. I got a new phone, and a new tablet, new shoes… I’m happy.

9)  It’s okay. It’s okay if you moved on. It’s okay that we aren’t the best friends that we used to be. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be ashamed. I’m fine. Really. But…

10)  I need you to tell me that it’s okay. I need you to tell me that it’s okay if I move on. I need to know that it’ll be fine if we aren’t as close anymore. I need you to let me know that this isn’t the end of the world. I need reassurance. I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot to ask. But please, give me your blessing, set me free.



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